Pearson Buys New York State Education Department

Commissioner King and Chancellor Tisch wait patiently
for their turn to speak as their new Pearson overlord
announces the takeover

Albany, New York - Best described as "not your usual corporate takeover," Pearson PLC announced that it has acquired the New York State Education Department (NYSED).

The big announcement was made at a press conference attended in person by Board of Regents Chancellor Merryl Tisch and Education Department Commissioner John King and via satellite by Pearson CEO Marjorie Scardino who is based in London.

A proud Scardino confessed, "Pearson has been calling the shots in New York State for quite a while now. So this just makes it official." According to sources in both organizations, Pearson had been slowly and surreptitiously acquiring the NYSED for more than four years.

Both King and Tisch nodded silently but enthusiastically as Scardino laid out Pearson's plan for "fully integrating all aspects of New York State public education into the seamless mission of helping people make more of their lives through learning what is important to corporations."

How did this come to pass?
With the promise of anonymity, a corporate insider disclosed the steps Pearson took to ensure the takeover would be successful. "Getting the politicians on board was easy; it just took some juicy political contributions. But getting the teachers and parents to go along... well that took a good deal of manipulation." He cited the adoption of the common core by almost every state as a game changer. "It made the acquisition fiscally wise."

According to our source, Pearson then set out to become an indispensable resource provider: textbooks to students, professional development to teachers and standardized testing to administrators. "Pearson expects to be greeted as liberators in New York State. After all how can you say 'no' to the corporation that guides your entire educational growth from cradle to grave." Apparently you can't, unless the federal government intervenes.

One of the first steps in formalizing Pearson's
takeover: new stationary

The proposed merger still needs approval from the Federal Trade Commission (FTC).  While refusing to comment on the merits of the merger, "uncommon" is how chair of the FTC, Edith Ramirez, described it. "Generally corporations takeover governmental agencies in a more low-key manner like lobbying the legislature or placing former employees inside of them," noted Ramirez. Despite the lack of corporate finesse none of the merger experts we contacted saw any obvious reasons for the FTC to block the takeover. And very few other individuals or groups seem willing to come out against it.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo was unavailable for comment. The American Federation of Teachers (AFT), which initially voiced objections to the Pearson-NYSED deal, has backed off since accepting a sizable grant from the Gates Foundation to research successful government/private industry partnerships. Some teachers have even expressed excitement about the takeover. Justin of Pennsylvania tweeted, "Maybe now, as a shareholder, I could have a say in my own profession." Meanwhile education bloggers have been angrily spouting off about the merger using terms like "conflict of interest" and "privatization of public education" but honestly who listens to them?

When asked if Pearson would be acquiring other state education departments, Scardino gave a tight-lipped smile, though John King mumbled something about there being "no place to hide."

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Go to: Principal Katie Zahedi holds up letter bearing two logos: NYS Education Dept and Pearson at two minutes) and  Is Pearson's take over of education complete?

Time To Be Cruelty-Free

Unlike school children, lab rats
enjoy some protection from testing

Virginia – Well-known for their anti-fur advertisements featuring naked celebrities, this week People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) came out against another type of testing – standardized testing of students. At a press conference on Wednesday held at their Norfolk headquarters a spokesperson articulated the organization’s position as follows:

As most people know, PETA is focused on ending animal suffering. Typically we work to protect animals such as rats, rabbits and chickens from cruelty in laboratories and on farms. However, today we are speaking on behalf of human animals, namely the American public school student. Every year millions of children are routinely tortured in the name of educational measurement by the standardized testing industry. They suffer through unnecessary field, diagnostic and predictive testing. We were sickened to learn that at any given minute during the school day, more than 1,100 American children are being tested in some capacity. There are rats in pharmaceutical labs that undergo less testing.

Even chickens  destined for  your
dinner plate get some sunlight

Caged in their classrooms for hours prepping for exams, schoolchildren see less sun than a Purdue chicken. Moreover, these unnecessary examinations teach us nothing about a child's intelligence or their level of understanding because students of different abilities absorb, process and make meaning of information differently. This made us wonder: why are there limits on the number of performances a Ringling Brother's elephant can be in, but no limits on testing children?

PETA urges parents and guardians to choose cruelty-free schools for their children, that is those schools in which standardized testing is not used as the predominant measure of student learning. How can you tell which schools are cruelty-free? They are the ones to which wealthy people send their children. Of course, another option would be to consider opting-out of tests.

To keep pressure on those responsible for these cruel and never-ending examinations sign the petitions below and join the thousands of caring Americans who refuse to participate in the excessive testing of the most innocent of animals - school children.

National petition, New York's petition, American Federation of Teachers petition,
South Carolina's petition, Chicago's petition, President petition

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Go to: Change the Stakes Teacher Exposes Board's Ridiculous Testing Policy and Teachers Refuse To Give Standardized Test At Seattle High Schools

Giving New Meaning To Class Action Lawsuit

Newark, NJ - On Thursday morning, there was a shouting match outside of Elma Street Elementary School as a teacher and several parents exchanged angry words.

"I deserve that $5,000 bonus," the teacher yelled.

"Well if you're such a good teacher then why didn't my boy pass that exam?" countered a parent.

What was the hullabaloo about? Several parents had discovered that they and their children were being sued by fourth grade teacher Sandra Wettfeld. In a legal maneuver widely acknowledged to be the first of its kind, the New Jersey educator filed suit against five of her former students and their families for loss of income. The basis for Wettfeld's lawsuit was explained that afternoon at the law offices of Slaughter & Hem.

Lawrence Slaughter, who specializes in educational law, described Ms. Wettfeld's case, "Basically, we are suing because under the Newark Teachers Union contract, Ms. Wettfeld can earn an extra $5,000 if she is rated as "Highly Effective" which is largely based on her students' test scores. Several of her students did not perform as they should have which resulted in her losing that bonus money. So she's looking to be compensated by those students and their families who failed to live up to expectations."

Wettfeld explained, "No one teaches to the test better than I do. So I knew I would get some bonus money when the scores came back." She paused to wipe a tear from her eye, "I stayed late, wrote great lessons and offered extra help but I've got students who don't come to school regularly. Students who don't sit still because they're hungry or distracted. Students who don't do their homework or go to bed on time. And those things are not my fault; they're the kids' fault and the parents' fault. Why should I suffer?"

Though not yet named as defendants, Slaughter's law partner May Hem is researching the viability of adding the school district and teachers union to the lawsuit. "Let's face it, we're going after the families because their kids failed the tests but if you want to get justice, you have to go after the clowns who thought this type of compensation was just.

Although the school district and mayor's office both refused to comment on the lawsuit, Newark Teachers Union President Joseph Del Grosso called it, "a step in the wrong direction." Addressing the media on Friday, Mr. Del Grosso said, "Parents, teachers and students should not have an adversarial relationship but once money is introduced, well that has a way of changing things." Asked if he should have thought of that before agreeing to the contract that ties teacher income to student test performance, Del Grosso commented, "I think some things are unforeseeable."

Perhaps less unforeseeable, the slew of virtually identical lawsuits that have been filed in other states since Wettfeld's press conference. Though the legal ground for such cases is still swampy, in just a few days eight similar suits have been filed in Washington D.C. and Oregon where merit pay systems are also in place. Legal pundits are watching to see the outcome of these cases with great interest. Slaughter put it this way, "We understand this case is charting new territory which of course carries some risks. However, this territory has the potential to be quite lucrative."

Back at Elma Street Elementary, parent and named defendant Sam Oliver seemed less annoyed than embarrassed and frightened as he looked over legal documents, "Our family had a tough year. I lost my job and well maybe we weren't as academically-focused at home as we could have been but... we just don't have this kind of money. I don't even know if I can afford a lawyer."

Michelle Rhee's organization StudentsFirst released this bold statement in reference to the suit, "To paraphrase Arne Duncan's iconic quote about the education opportunities Hurricane Katrina created, we believe that tying teacher income to student scores was the best thing to happen in Newark schools because strife creates opportunity."

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Go to: The Newark Teachers Contract: My Final Word and Test Scores and the Newark Teachers Contract and DC Program Ties Teacher Salaries To Student Test Scores and  Oregon Schools Begin to Tie Teacher Pay to Student Test Scores

Not Our Usual Fare

We know you come to this site for a laugh but some things are just NOT funny. Here's a non-satirical editorial from Students Last.
------------
How nice to be told by the presidential candidates, during their last debate, that they "love teachers." Too bad it's bullshit, like the flowers a woman gets the day after her abuser gives her a black eye. And it's not just the candidates who are "loving" teachers to death. America itself has, at least as of late, quite the abusive relationship with teachers - claiming to love teachers but repeatedly disrespecting them in a myriad of ways. What teachers need is fewer meaningless words and a helluva a lot more deeds of respect.

When teachers tell you that standardized testing is robbing instructional time, narrowing curriculum and encouraging cheating but you act like their concerns are a ploy to avoid accountability, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When you hold education conferences and there are no public school teachers on the panel but there are five CEO's, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When the solution to turning around a failing school is to fire half the staff, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When you accuse teacher unions of protecting child molesters, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When teachers tell you that generational poverty hangs over the lives of their students like an impenetrable fog dampening desire, fostering anger, distracting young minds and you think they are making excuses, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When you refer to teachers as "professionals" but then dilute their ranks with those who have ten-watts of enthusiasm and five-weeks of training, shoving them into the neediest schools where they cut their teaching teeth on defenseless children, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When the most well-known names in education today are people who taught for three years or....never, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When, despite teachers' knowledgeable objections, your idea of measuring teaching and learning is to administer more and more flawed bubble exams to younger and younger students, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When you laud the test results of charter schools that cherry pick their students, receive extraordinary private funding, create an aura of fear with high suspension rates coupled with the expulsion of under-performing students, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When those who make policy send their children to private schools while shoveling mounds of unvetted nonsense onto the overburdened shoulders of public schools, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

Perpetrators of domestic abuse tell their victims they love them and moments later clench their fists, preparing to strike another blow. So candidates, so America, hold onto your amorous bouquets and stop mouthing words you clearly do not mean or understand.

"Love" us less. Respect us a helluva a lot more.

Worst Womb in New York City

New York City - As we reported last month, Pearson PLC and New York City's Department of Education announced that utilizing nano technology Pearson scientists had developed a way to administer standardized exams to fetuses. Today the DOE revealed how data from those tests will be used.

At a City Hall press conference, Education Chancellor Dennis Walcott explained that fetus exam results will be used to determine the mother's value add measurement (VAM). Walcott explained, "Using a complicated algorithm, we can estimate the mother's contribution to her fetus' test performance compared to other mothers." According to the chancellor if a mother's VAM is in the lowest quartile, then she might be deemed an 'ineffective gestational carrier' and "the DOE would suggest some changes to her maternal practices."

Should mothers be held accountable
for their fetus' test scores?

Both Mayor Michael Bloomberg and Chancellor Walcott refused to respond to reporters' repeated questions about the reliability of such measurements nor did they want to discuss what might happen if the mother refused to or was unable to 'change her maternal practice.' When one reporter referred to VAM as 'junk science' the mayor responded angrily, "Everybody says an evaluation system is important...until you try to use it. I get evaluated everyday and I think fetuses and their carriers should be no different."

In related news, the New York Post vowed to publish photos of the "worst wombs in New York" as determined by VAM scores. The United Federation of Mothers (UFM) is looking into the evaluation system and is expected to comment on it later in the week.

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Read Value-Added Nonsense and Connecticut Adds New Tests for Kindergarten, 1 and 2 Grades as well as comments associated with piece. Also Analysis: Shaming Teachers Is Not Good Educational Policy

Stripper Fired For Being A Teacher

Teachers rejected: "We have our standards"

Grand Rapids, Michigan - Stripper Bunny Halter has filed a federal employment discrimination lawsuit against her former employer strip club White Glove, claiming she was fired one year ago due to her previous employment as a teacher.

"I know I made some bad choices," Ms. Halter apologized at a press conference organized by her attorney Gloria Allred. "But I've left the education field now and I don't think I should be punished for trying to support my family. I've really turned my life around."

Ms. Halter took a job as a teacher briefly when a medical issue left her unable to pole dance. "The bills kept piling up and I didn't know what else to do. I was desperate. I'm not proud of what I did but at the time taking a job as a lazy greedy fifth grade teacher seemed like my only choice," Bunny sniffed into the microphone before burying her head in her lawyer's shoulder.

White Glove owner, Sid Vasdeferens held his own press conference in front of his popular establishment. "For God's sake, I'm trying to run a business and even we have our standards," implored Vasdeferens. "Once our clients found out we employed teachers, they were turned off. We don't need no teachers giving us a bad name."

Attorney Allred said her client was suing for $110,000 in lost wages, which is what Bunny anticipated earning as an exotic dance last year. Interestingly that sum is almost twice as much as the average teacher's salary in Michigan.

Reached for comment by phone, President David Hecker of the Michigan chapter of the American Federation of Teachers said, "This is what happens when a profession is attacked day after day. Respect for the teaching profession has been suffering a death of a thousand cuts and it has got to stop." Meanwhile the president of the American Federation of Strippers union, Randy Randi said she was, "Looking into the merits of Ms. Halter's lawsuit."

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Read Teacher Survey Shows Morale is at a Low Point and The Chicago Strike Is Typical of American Politicians' War On Teachers

Pallets for Pedagogues

Georgia - "It's not good for my back," winced forty-two-year-old Sara Freeman of Mason, Georgia as she pulled herself up from her cot. "But at least I can get some sleep."  For the second time this week, Sara slept at her school.

Heavy workloads have made sleeping at
school a necessity for some teachers

Sara teaches third graders at a Power Is Power (PIP) charter school, one of a growing number of schools offering cots for teachers who want to sleep in the building so they don't waste time going home.  "I would rather be home in my own bed but that's not always possible. By the time I'm done tutoring students, grading homework and tests, updating my bulletin boards, reviewing student data, writing my lesson plans and individualized education plans, it can be very late.  So I just pull the cot out of the closet and try to catch a few winks."

Sara is not alone.  Teachers in Arizona began sleeping at their schools last year after their districts began providing on-site sleeping accommodations. According to the National Center on Time and Learning, a nonprofit research group in Boston, about 100 schools - more than 90 of them charter schools - across the country provide sleeping accommodations for their teachers. Martin Shell, Tucson school board president is convinced it will ultimately benefit students. "It really is a time saver for our employees.  Now as soon as they wake up, they can work.  The more time teachers are at work, the more work they do and we are convinced that will result in higher test scores."

Although it may sound extreme, some teachers seem to make the most of it.  Darren Smithfield, who teaches seventh grade math in Tucson, showed us around his classroom/bedroom. His desk discreetly hid the cot and contained his toothbrush and electric razor.  "My wife came by and visited on Wednesday night. It was nice, we ate together in the cafeteria, the kids read books in the library while she and I talked about what we would do this weekend if they let me leave, I mean if I go home." He added quickly, "And you know the cot is not so bad, you get used to it after a while."

The cots were paid for by a generous grant from the Walton Foundation while the blankets and pillows were given by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Read Survey: Teachers Work 53 Hours Per Week On Average

The Tiniest Test Takers

London - Pearson PLC, the world's leading learning company, announced a new product that will allow the company to begin administering standardized tests to the nation's youngest students - fetuses.

Pearson-provided sonogram of fetus taking ELA exam. Sadly,
test scores prove the fetus is merely average.

New Pearson CEO John Fallon gushed, "We couldn't be more excited about this development."

Mr. Fallon explained to reporters how Pearson scientists used nano technology to create tiny number two pencils that can be placed into a woman's uterus. "If you look very closely, you can see that we have been able to provide the fetus with a bubble test and a number two pencil," boasted Fallon while pointing to a sonogram.

Scientists associated with the project agree that the new development is quite a feat. "Shrinking the pencil wasn't too difficult," explains Dr. Michelle Benito. "But creating test booklets and bubble sheets resistant to amniotic fluid, well that took a good deal of effort."

Benito describes the testing process, "Testing materials are injected into the mother's uterus utilizing the same needles employed during amniocentesis. Then we guide the materials into the fetus' hands using probes and prod it to take the exam. We give the unborn about an hour to complete the test and then we suction the materials out through the needle. The only problems we have encountered are fetuses who refuse to take the exam and fetuses who eat the pencils."

Asked by one reporter if standardized testing of the unborn was perhaps "ridiculous" Fallon responded irately, "Our philosophy is that you can never test too early or too often. Clients that agree will purchase and implement this product; clients that don't, won't."

When asked to comment on this new Pearson initiative, American Federation of Teachers President Randi Weingarten responded with a question of her own, "Can we finally agree that testing is out of control?"

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Read the Jason Standford: Cashing in on Pre-K Testing, Connecticut Adds New Tests for Kindergarten, 1 and 2 Grades as well as comments associated with piece. Also Florida Gets Tough on 5-Year-Olds.

Drug Dealers Defeat Teachers: New Poll

Some surprising results turned up in a new Gallup poll. The poll asked parents to rank occupations according to how much they hoped their children aspired to the profession. Among the most desired were perennial favorites, doctors and lawyers. Nurses also did well. Although they fell 3% from last year's ranking, nurses still managed to come in third place.

Teachers, however, did not fair so well. Two years ago they came in third place; this year they scored below drug dealers. Asked to comment on the poll results, Karen Lewis, who heads the Chicago Teachers Union said, "We have been attacked for years. So I'm not surprised that parents do not see our profession as a viable career choice for their children."

Still teachers can take solace in knowing that they continue to score above dentists, who have come in last place for ten consecutive years.

The full poll results were as follows:

Ranking	Profession	% of Parents Ranking Profession First
1	Doctor	44
2	Lawyer	20
3	Nurse	16
4	Accountant	10
5	Drug Dealer	6
6	Teacher	3
7	Dentist	1

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Read The Chicago strike is typical of American politicians' war on teacher

From Slime to Self-flagellation: Teachers Prepare for New School Year

New York City - While some teachers prepare to return to their classrooms by reviewing curriculum and purchasing needed supplies, many veteran educators get ready in less traditional ways.  We sent reporters to each of the boroughs to uncover their secrets.

Staten Island
Beginning early in August, Ginny Evans, who has taught middle schoolers at I.S. 352 for twelve years, practices holding her urine. "When school lets out, I get used to peeing when I want to.  Then when August comes around, I can barely go four hours without urinating and that will just not do," Mrs. Evans shakes her head. "I've done a lot of Kegels and had a few accidents but now I can hold it for almost nine hours. My bladder is almost ready for back-to-back coverages plus lunch duty on an after-school tutoring day," Evans says with a proud smile.

Queens
Meanwhile over in Queens, you can find pre-K teacher Valerie Winkle in her backyard, donning
goggles and standing in a kiddie pool. "Fire away," she yells to her ten-year-old son Bobby, who is

Slime helps Winkle prepare for the coming school year

armed with a toy gun filled with Nickeloden slime. Dutifully and delightedly, Bobby pulls the trigger. Almost instantly his mom is covered in gooey green muck. Winkle calmly wipes the ooze from her face and forces these words, "That's ok sweetheart." She repeats this cycle approximately twelve times a day during the summer months. The eight-year veteran of Community School 142 explains her training matter-of-factly, "Since I teach the little ones, I know that several times during the year I will be the displeased recipient of bodily fluids which are not my own. This training allows me to graciously handle all the vomit, snot etcetera that awaits me."

Manhattan

Mr. Gold practices dodging spit balls

While some teachers focus on controlling fluids, high school teachers build up other skills. "I've practiced dodging projectiles for years but with the relaxed discipline code, it's especially important," advises seventeen-year veteran William Gold, who will teach ninth grade English at John Lindsay High School. Many times throughout the day and always without warning, Gold can count on his wife Mabel to hurl paper clips and/or spit balls at him. Mabel smiles as she describes her husband's progress, "At the end of July, I nailed him almost every time but now he anticipates my every move." During a demonstration of his skills, the fifty-two-year-old impressed with Matrix-like speed and agility. Assessing his own preparedness, Mr. Gold boasts, "I'm ready for the little pishers."

Bronx
Silence is the hallmark of Mr. Wallace Edwards' school preparation. "I've taught for nineteen years at the Murdoch School for Communication and for fifteen of them, I've practiced biting my tongue." Edwards says he mostly utilizes the skill during staff meetings and professional development. "Sometimes you want to make suggestions or point out more effective ways to do something but over the years I've realized the administration doesn't really want to hear from teachers." Wallace, whose tongue shows visible scarring, says the skill is also useful at home. "I'm pretty sure our relationship is better for having perfected this skill."  His life-partner Dan Engels is not so sure. "Did he tell you he suffers from ulcers?"

Brooklyn

Teacher Lori uses self-flagellation to
prepare for annual abuse

Perhaps the most grueling efforts are made by Dominic Lori, a veteran educator of twenty-five years. "I beat myself twelve to fifteen times a day with a cat o' nine tails." Asked why he practices self-flagellation the soft-spoken Lori explains, "It hardens me to abuse." But if you're thinking Lori instructs hostile juvenile delinquents, think again. "Oh heavens no. The students are fabulous but at every other level, people seem bent on vilifying teachers so it's just my way of getting ready for it." Who exactly is abusing teachers? The Edward Grout High School history teacher has no trouble describing the culprits. "There's Mayor Bloomberg who shifted the responsibility of learning from students to teachers and then shamed us with the publication of discredited value-add scores. We have political leaders like Jeb Bush who compare neighborhood public schools to choosing milk. And of course other reformers like Michelle Rhee conveniently ignore the effects of poverty on student achievement and never discuss the National Assessment of Educational Progress scores which are at their highest point in history for many student groups." Mr. Lori sees the status quo in education as revolving around teacher attacks. "My training simply acclimates me to the pain," Lori says glumly. When it was suggested that perhaps the United Federation of Teachers could help, Lori volunteered, "They already have. They bought me a hair shirt."

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Read Disciplinary code revisions could reduce student suspensions and  How to Demoralize Teachers and Jeb Bush's Ed Speech and My View: Rhee is wrong and misinformed

Teacherbots: Tomorrow's Solution Today?

Alaska - "How can we use technology so that we require fewer human teachers?" This was the question posed by Miles Katzman, founder and CEO of Teacherbots Inc,. as he stood before a roomful of attentive school district representatives from around the country. With budgets being cut, lots of districts are looking for ways to reduce personnel costs while still maintaining high educational standards. Katzman believes he has the solution: Teacherbots or TBs.

Teacherbots are being used at Sara
Palin Elementary School in Alaska

"TBs are tomorrow's solution today," quips Katzman.  What exactly are Teacherbots?  "They're state of the art approximations of human educators.  A happy marriage between manequins and intelligent robotic technology."

At Sara Palin Elementary School in Alaska, where robotic teachers have taught for more than two months, the experiment has been deemed a success. "We like them because they follow lesson plans exactly, don't take sick days and so far haven't tried to unionize," declares principal Tripp Glarick. The school still employs human teachers, known as "HBs" which is short for human beings. "Contractually we have to keep the HBs around for a few more years," explains principal Glarick.  "Otherwise they'd be gone already."

Some HB teachers seem to approve of their robotic colleagues. Michelle Luddite, a fourth grade teacher, explains, "When the number of students in my room hit 54, I was glad to get the bot. She processes student data, analyzes which computer programs will best address student weaknesses and programs assignments proven to improve test scores. My role is different. I attend IEP meetings, call parents and try to keep the 'needy kids' on task." What exactly is a 'needy kid'? Ms. Ludite explains, "Needy kids are those students who want to talk. They learn best by bouncing ideas off other people. You know, the ones who want to interact." Asked if she misses her role as a traditional classroom teacher Mrs. Luddite pauses to reflect. "I guess what I miss most is sharing the joy of the learning experience, exploring each individual child's gifts..." She trails off as Mr. Glarick approaches. "Well now don't go getting me all sentimental. You have to change with the times or else."

Profits
This brave new educational world has drawn significant interest from investors.  Venture capital firms have bet more than $9 million on Teacherbots Inc. whose corporate motto is, "Education should run like a well-oiled machine." CEO Katzman credits the adoption of common standards and shared assessments for making his brainchild financially viable. He explains, "Standardizing the standards has led to a standardized education and that translates to money for us. Now that there's a common definition of what 'good' looks like, education entrepreneurs can enjoy national markets where the best products can be taken to scale."

Critics
Whether or not robotic teachers are "the best products" for our nation's children has yet to be determined. Critics say Teacherbots lack flexibility and are impersonal. Leonie Haimson, one of the founders of Parents Across America has been vocal in her disapproval of TBs.  "They're just plain creepy."

"So was my seventh grade gym teacher," counters Glarick with a chuckle.  Becoming more serious, he continues, "Are there some kinks? Sure, but you know with every new gadget you have to work out the bugs. With time, I'm sure the bots will become more human-like but with none of the outrageous demands of humans like needing bathroom breaks or wanting a duty-free lunch."

Some of the most vocal critics of TBs have been students. Fifth grader Johanna Stephens, who has organized several protests against the bots, refused to go to school after spending just one day with her classroom TB. "I hated her. She didn't look at me, just kind of at my forehead. She never asked me for my opinion or about my feelings. All she knew was my data," claims Johanna.

Principal Glarick tries to explain away Johanna's response, "Some students find it difficult at first but then they adjust. Students are used to having teachers that respect their opinions but if I can paraphrase David Coleman (one of the architects of the Common Core standards), our TBs really don't give a crap about what students feel or think. The bots are programmed to only accept correct answers and cited evidence. The kids will catch on eventually."

And maybe so will the bots.

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Read Computers Grade Essays Fast ... But Not Always Well and Common Core Standards Boon to E-Learning Industry and Common Core: A Bonanza for E-Corps and The Case for the Private Sector in School Reform

"No Teachers Will Be Hurt"

This story updates an older one entitled, "Stoning Teachers Raises Some Eyebrows"

WARNING: THIS STORY IS SATIRE. IT IS NOT REAL. IT IS NOT TRUE.  SOME OF YOUR COMMENTS HAVE LED US TO BELIEVE YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS.

August 12, 2012 9:00am EST
"Who would have thought that a concert that was supposed to honor teachers could engender so much controversy?" With these words, a sheepish Les Moonves, CBS President and CEO, began apologizing for his network's support of a concert at which attendees could throw rocks at teachers. At a press conference held yesterday in Los Angeles, CBS's head honcho explained, “We will still broadcast ‘Teachers Rock’ but absolutely no public school teachers will be hurt. Not in jest. Not for fun. Not at all.”

Inundated with complaints from an outraged public, those involved with the production, including corporate monstrosity Walmart, were forced to issue a public apology and cancel the stoning booth which for the cost of one dollar would have allowed participants to “Rock-a-Teacher.”  Among those present for the mea culpa was concert producer Ken Ehrlich. "I guess it wasn't as funny as we thought," he confessed to reporters.

Even before the stoning booth controversy, teachers had criticized the concert, which is a publicity event for a soon-to-be-released movie entitled, "Won't Back Down." Many in the education field see the movie as just one more way to malign public schools. Influential education historian and prolific blogger Diane Ravitch described the film, starring Viola Davis and Jake Gyllenhaal's sister, as a "sneaky push for privatization." Already facing ridicule, how did producers manage to make things worse?

A perosn who attended several production meetings but wishes to remain anonymous, revealed that while discussing vendors for the concert, which included the typical food and tee-shirt hawkers, Walmart and Walden Media representatives suggested having a dunking booth.  Later someone proposed the "dunkee" be a teacher. Our source explained, "Everybody laughed."  The tone in the room began to change rather quickly. “One thing led to another and all of a sudden we were talking about stoning public school teachers. I'm not really sure how it happened. It just got out of hand." However outrageous it sounds now, the idea must have seemed like a good one as no one put a stop to it.

Interestingly, the canceled stoning still has its defenders. "It was supposed to be a joke. They weren't even really stones," explained Paul Anschutz, who financed “Waiting for Superman.” “They were more like pebbles. And all the teachers were going to be paid union wages plus they were allowed to wear helmets."

Michelle Rhee also expressed disappointment over the cancellation. "I was going to drive all the way down from Sacramento for this opportunity. I even had my own rocks."

Reality Alert: 
Interested in how we came to write this? Read Diane Ravitch and Parents Across America twice.

Stoning Teachers Raises Some Eyebrows - with Updates

This story has been UPDATED at "No Teachers Will Be Hurt"

WARNING: THIS STORY IS SATIRE. IT IS NOT REAL. IT IS NOT TRUE.  SOME OF YOUR COMMENTS HAVE LED US TO BELIEVE YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS.

August 9, 2012 2:30pm EST

Los Angeles – When nineteen-year-old Marsha Felton of Santa Monica heard about a concert honoring teachers, she wanted to go. After all her mother Jane is a public school teacher.  This may account for why she was so angry when she came across an on-line advertisement for “Teachers Rock.”  "I couldn't believe what I was reading.  It just seemed wrong.”

What bothered Ms. Felton lies in the fine print at the bottom of the concert promotion. Alongside food and tee-shirt vendors is listed an entertainment booth entitled "Rock-a-Teacher.” Further description reads, “Like an old fashioned dunking booth only better.  Live teachers. Real stones. C’mon, you know you’ve always wanted to.”

Marsha was shocked. “I read it over and over again." She began to spread her rage, as so many do, by sending a Tweet that linked to the advertisement and read, "Teachers Rock=Rocks@Teachers.”

Almost as quick as you can say, “publicity gaffe,” Randi Weingarten, President of the American Federation of Teachers, began to rally her troops.  "This is outrageous!" was the opening salvo in a daunting and unrelenting number of emails sent from Weingarten's Twitter account complaining about the planned stoning. Concert producers Walmart and Walden Media and CBS, which is supposed to broadcast the concert later this month, have been swamped with vitriolic communications from labor leaders and their constituents demanding the booth be removed.  “I will nevr by yr resnbly priced scool supplies again,” threatened @CheapTechr in a Tweet directed at Walmart.

While no decision has been made about the fate of the booth, CBS, Walmart and Walden Media issued a joint statement, which read, “The matter is currently under examination.”
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Update: Stars Threaten to Walk
August 10, 2012 9:00am EST
Los Angeles - TMZ is reporting that several stars scheduled to appear at the "Teachers Rock" concert have threatened to pull out if teachers are actually rocked.  According to TMZ sources, Leslee Dart, Meryl Streep's publicist, made a fury-filled phone call to CBS, which is scheduled to record and broadcast the concert later this month.  She is quoted as screaming at CBS President and CEO Les Moonves, "Meryl's in a god damn union for Christ's sake.  She has to work with Teamsters.  Damn right she wants this rectified."  No word yet on Moonves' reaction.  

Also unhappy about the "sport" of stoning teachers is Josh Groban.  People magazine is reporting that Groban expressed his concerns to Walmart and Walden Media producers after getting an earful from his art teacher mom. According to sources close to the star, Groban's mother is angry about more than just the stoning booth. She objects to the entire event which is a publicity vehicle for the movie "Don't Give Up." "I don't want you lending your time and talents to a movie that glorifies yet another way to turn public schools over to charter chains," Lindy Groban is reported as saying. "They can call it whatever they want, but this concert is not about honoring teachers. It's being put together by the same people who did 'Waiting for Superman.'"
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Update: No Rocks Allowed
August 10, 2012 4:35pm EST
Los Angeles - Well that didn't take long.  After receiving hundreds of thousands of phone calls, emails, on-line petitions and tweets, the concert producers of "Teachers Rock" waved the white flag.  Through a Walden Media and Walmart spokesperson, it was announced moments ago that the Rock-a-Teacher booth will no longer be a part of the concert event.  Reading from a prepared statement, the spokesperson said, "No teachers will be harmed during the concert.  Not in a booth. Not by a youth. Not in the parking lot.  Not by an angry tot.  Not here. Not there. Not anywhere."

Les Moonves, President and CEO of CBS, is expected to issue a formal apology tomorrow.


Reality Alert: 
Interested in how we came to write this? Read Diane Ravitch and Parents Across America twice.

Grin and Bear It: Teachers Paddled in Texas

Laredo - A New York Times editorial entitled, "Carrots and Sticks for Schools" called for rewards for "good teachers while easing chronic low performers out of the system."  What they apparently didn't know is that a small charter school in Texas beat them to it - literally.

"When the principal first told me to bend over and accept the paddling, I thought he had lost his mind," recounts Jeremy Finn of Harmony Science Academy in Laredo.  "But now I understand and can even see that he was right.  When my students do well on tests, I get rewarded with coupons for food." And when they don't?  Finn bows his head and recites, "Well then I haven't done my job and deserve to be paddled."

Food coupons entitle teachers and their families to eat for free at local eateries such as Sonic Drive-in, the Corn House and Posh Sushi Express. Fifth grade teacher Mary Robinson, who amazingly hasn't had a student fail a test in three years, speaks very highly of the program. "I'm uncertified so I get paid less than other teachers and the coupons really help my family make ends meet."

"The system works for us," smiled James McFadden principal of Harmony while brandishing an long wooden paddle.  "Usually I only have to swat a teacher once and then they learn to get those kids to pass the test but fast....or they quit."

Turnover has been high at Harmony with more than 75% of teachers leaving during the 2011-2012 school year, the year the school first began sticking it to teachers.  However, with only minor improvements in the economy, many educators feel they have little choice but to grin and bear it. Last year, turnover was just over 40% and McFadden thinks that number will go down farther still.  "As long as you hire young teachers, they don't know any better."  As for the older ones who have hung around, principal McFadden has his own theory, "I think we have a few staffers who like it."

The paddles were paid for by a generous grant from the Walton Foundation while a soothing balm is distributed courtesy of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.

Reality Alert: Interested in how we came to write this? Read NYTimes here.