Baby-faced Blackmailers

NYC's youngest criminals
major in reading, writing
and extortion

New York - Sometime on Thursday several elementary school students, who thought they were going on a field trip, were instead ushered into a police van and then taken to the local precinct. Their crime? The gang of eight-year-olds allegedly tried to shakedown their teachers.

At a press conference held by Manhattan District Attorney Cyrus Vance, Jr. Friday morning, prosecutors shared some information about the suspects in the plot to extort favors from two of their teachers.

D.A. Vance said that four third graders from P.S. 6, whose names were being witheld because of their youth, had been charged with several counts of larceny. Further, it was revealed that over the course of several weeks, math teacher Sharon Norbury and physical education teacher Mi Yagi were repeatedly threatened with poor evaluations by the students if they failed to cooperate with student demands.

Prosecutors shared a letter written by the students and addressed to the teachers which said, "Even through [sic] you'r [sic] jobs suk [sic] , we bet u'd [sic] like to keep them. We can make that hapen [sic] for a price."

Eventually the educators reported the blackmailers to police and agreed to wear recording devices during negotiations with the pint-sized hooligans. On the recordings you can hear students promising to give teachers positive feedback on the newly implemented Tripod Student Survey if the teachers did what the students wanted. Demands included pizza parties, providing "lots of stickers" and extra recess time.

Neither Department of Education Chancellor Dennis Walcott nor State Education Commissioner John King were available for comment about these recent developments, though they are largely responsible for giving third graders the burden/responsibility of rating teachers. However, Principal Willis DeWitt admitted that he should have known something was up, "I mean how many pizza parties can you have in one week? It was like a bacchanal in there. Kids dancing, eating paste, running with scissors, throwing Legos. One time I walked in and Ms. Norbury was tied up. She looked frightened but told me they were studying knot tying. I should have known better."

An arraignment is scheduled for Friday at 2:15pm.

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Go to: King Unveils Long-Awaited Evaluations Systems For City Educators

Not Our Usual Fare

We know you come to this site for a laugh but some things are just NOT funny. Here's a non-satirical editorial from Students Last.
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How nice to be told by the presidential candidates, during their last debate, that they "love teachers." Too bad it's bullshit, like the flowers a woman gets the day after her abuser gives her a black eye. And it's not just the candidates who are "loving" teachers to death. America itself has, at least as of late, quite the abusive relationship with teachers - claiming to love teachers but repeatedly disrespecting them in a myriad of ways. What teachers need is fewer meaningless words and a helluva a lot more deeds of respect.

When teachers tell you that standardized testing is robbing instructional time, narrowing curriculum and encouraging cheating but you act like their concerns are a ploy to avoid accountability, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When you hold education conferences and there are no public school teachers on the panel but there are five CEO's, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When the solution to turning around a failing school is to fire half the staff, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When you accuse teacher unions of protecting child molesters, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When teachers tell you that generational poverty hangs over the lives of their students like an impenetrable fog dampening desire, fostering anger, distracting young minds and you think they are making excuses, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When you refer to teachers as "professionals" but then dilute their ranks with those who have ten-watts of enthusiasm and five-weeks of training, shoving them into the neediest schools where they cut their teaching teeth on defenseless children, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When the most well-known names in education today are people who taught for three years or....never, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When, despite teachers' knowledgeable objections, your idea of measuring teaching and learning is to administer more and more flawed bubble exams to younger and younger students, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When you laud the test results of charter schools that cherry pick their students, receive extraordinary private funding, create an aura of fear with high suspension rates coupled with the expulsion of under-performing students, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When those who make policy send their children to private schools while shoveling mounds of unvetted nonsense onto the overburdened shoulders of public schools, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

Perpetrators of domestic abuse tell their victims they love them and moments later clench their fists, preparing to strike another blow. So candidates, so America, hold onto your amorous bouquets and stop mouthing words you clearly do not mean or understand.

"Love" us less. Respect us a helluva a lot more.

Stripper Fired For Being A Teacher

Teachers rejected: "We have our standards"

Grand Rapids, Michigan - Stripper Bunny Halter has filed a federal employment discrimination lawsuit against her former employer strip club White Glove, claiming she was fired one year ago due to her previous employment as a teacher.

"I know I made some bad choices," Ms. Halter apologized at a press conference organized by her attorney Gloria Allred. "But I've left the education field now and I don't think I should be punished for trying to support my family. I've really turned my life around."

Ms. Halter took a job as a teacher briefly when a medical issue left her unable to pole dance. "The bills kept piling up and I didn't know what else to do. I was desperate. I'm not proud of what I did but at the time taking a job as a lazy greedy fifth grade teacher seemed like my only choice," Bunny sniffed into the microphone before burying her head in her lawyer's shoulder.

White Glove owner, Sid Vasdeferens held his own press conference in front of his popular establishment. "For God's sake, I'm trying to run a business and even we have our standards," implored Vasdeferens. "Once our clients found out we employed teachers, they were turned off. We don't need no teachers giving us a bad name."

Attorney Allred said her client was suing for $110,000 in lost wages, which is what Bunny anticipated earning as an exotic dance last year. Interestingly that sum is almost twice as much as the average teacher's salary in Michigan.

Reached for comment by phone, President David Hecker of the Michigan chapter of the American Federation of Teachers said, "This is what happens when a profession is attacked day after day. Respect for the teaching profession has been suffering a death of a thousand cuts and it has got to stop." Meanwhile the president of the American Federation of Strippers union, Randy Randi said she was, "Looking into the merits of Ms. Halter's lawsuit."

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Read Teacher Survey Shows Morale is at a Low Point and The Chicago Strike Is Typical of American Politicians' War On Teachers

Pallets for Pedagogues

Georgia - "It's not good for my back," winced forty-two-year-old Sara Freeman of Mason, Georgia as she pulled herself up from her cot. "But at least I can get some sleep."  For the second time this week, Sara slept at her school.

Heavy workloads have made sleeping at
school a necessity for some teachers

Sara teaches third graders at a Power Is Power (PIP) charter school, one of a growing number of schools offering cots for teachers who want to sleep in the building so they don't waste time going home.  "I would rather be home in my own bed but that's not always possible. By the time I'm done tutoring students, grading homework and tests, updating my bulletin boards, reviewing student data, writing my lesson plans and individualized education plans, it can be very late.  So I just pull the cot out of the closet and try to catch a few winks."

Sara is not alone.  Teachers in Arizona began sleeping at their schools last year after their districts began providing on-site sleeping accommodations. According to the National Center on Time and Learning, a nonprofit research group in Boston, about 100 schools - more than 90 of them charter schools - across the country provide sleeping accommodations for their teachers. Martin Shell, Tucson school board president is convinced it will ultimately benefit students. "It really is a time saver for our employees.  Now as soon as they wake up, they can work.  The more time teachers are at work, the more work they do and we are convinced that will result in higher test scores."

Although it may sound extreme, some teachers seem to make the most of it.  Darren Smithfield, who teaches seventh grade math in Tucson, showed us around his classroom/bedroom. His desk discreetly hid the cot and contained his toothbrush and electric razor.  "My wife came by and visited on Wednesday night. It was nice, we ate together in the cafeteria, the kids read books in the library while she and I talked about what we would do this weekend if they let me leave, I mean if I go home." He added quickly, "And you know the cot is not so bad, you get used to it after a while."

The cots were paid for by a generous grant from the Walton Foundation while the blankets and pillows were given by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Read Survey: Teachers Work 53 Hours Per Week On Average

Drug Dealers Defeat Teachers: New Poll

Some surprising results turned up in a new Gallup poll. The poll asked parents to rank occupations according to how much they hoped their children aspired to the profession. Among the most desired were perennial favorites, doctors and lawyers. Nurses also did well. Although they fell 3% from last year's ranking, nurses still managed to come in third place.

Teachers, however, did not fair so well. Two years ago they came in third place; this year they scored below drug dealers. Asked to comment on the poll results, Karen Lewis, who heads the Chicago Teachers Union said, "We have been attacked for years. So I'm not surprised that parents do not see our profession as a viable career choice for their children."

Still teachers can take solace in knowing that they continue to score above dentists, who have come in last place for ten consecutive years.

The full poll results were as follows:

Ranking	Profession	% of Parents Ranking Profession First
1	Doctor	44
2	Lawyer	20
3	Nurse	16
4	Accountant	10
5	Drug Dealer	6
6	Teacher	3
7	Dentist	1

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Read The Chicago strike is typical of American politicians' war on teacher

Grin and Bear It: Teachers Paddled in Texas

Laredo - A New York Times editorial entitled, "Carrots and Sticks for Schools" called for rewards for "good teachers while easing chronic low performers out of the system."  What they apparently didn't know is that a small charter school in Texas beat them to it - literally.

"When the principal first told me to bend over and accept the paddling, I thought he had lost his mind," recounts Jeremy Finn of Harmony Science Academy in Laredo.  "But now I understand and can even see that he was right.  When my students do well on tests, I get rewarded with coupons for food." And when they don't?  Finn bows his head and recites, "Well then I haven't done my job and deserve to be paddled."

Food coupons entitle teachers and their families to eat for free at local eateries such as Sonic Drive-in, the Corn House and Posh Sushi Express. Fifth grade teacher Mary Robinson, who amazingly hasn't had a student fail a test in three years, speaks very highly of the program. "I'm uncertified so I get paid less than other teachers and the coupons really help my family make ends meet."

"The system works for us," smiled James McFadden principal of Harmony while brandishing an long wooden paddle.  "Usually I only have to swat a teacher once and then they learn to get those kids to pass the test but fast....or they quit."

Turnover has been high at Harmony with more than 75% of teachers leaving during the 2011-2012 school year, the year the school first began sticking it to teachers.  However, with only minor improvements in the economy, many educators feel they have little choice but to grin and bear it. Last year, turnover was just over 40% and McFadden thinks that number will go down farther still.  "As long as you hire young teachers, they don't know any better."  As for the older ones who have hung around, principal McFadden has his own theory, "I think we have a few staffers who like it."

The paddles were paid for by a generous grant from the Walton Foundation while a soothing balm is distributed courtesy of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.

Reality Alert: Interested in how we came to write this? Read NYTimes here.