Defender of the Status Quo: America's Newest Superhero

"Holy Incompetent Teachers!" Rhee will be
generously supported by her many minions,
including Joel Klein and Arne Duncan.

California - Faster than dismissal on a Friday. More powerful than the smell of cafeteria pizza. Able to shut down a public school in a single bound.

Look! Over in Sacramento! It's a self-promoter. It's an education deformer. It's the Defender of the Status Quo, Michelle Rhee.

Strange visitor from a another planet who came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of union presidents. Defender of the Status Quo - uses tests scores for unintended purposes, ignores facts that do not support her specious arguments, and, with her many minions, fights the never-ending battle to crush American unions.

How did Rhee, already Queen of StudentsFirst, win this noble position? A bi-partisan board of electors made the unanimous selection. "There really was no other choice," explained billionaire David Koch, who was flanked by fellow board members billionaire Bill Gates and billionaire Eli Broad at a press conference announcing the honor. Koch beamed, "Her ability to keep the media and public focused on false notions about education is unrivaled."

Rhee's number one responsibility will be to continue to manipulate the public into believing there is an education crisis related, not to poverty but to, lazy 53 hour-a-week working, over-paid Hyundai-driving, whine about a need to test for efficacy before instituting Common Core standards, so-called "educators." 

Like any great superhero, Rhee has her enemies including, the evil math genius Mr. Brandenburg, the fearless Leo Nie and Biting Burris. Her arch nemesis, however, is The Ravitch, a nimble character whose superpowers include tweeting at incredible speeds, telling the truth and knowledgeably citing education history.


Still, most people are betting on the DSQ. David Koch certainly is; he ended his press conference with these words, "I'm sure I speak for all of America when I say thank you Defender of the Status Quo for your incomparable service to our country and its corporations, um I mean children."

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Read Talk About Double Standards! and the comment by Michael Fiorillo and Will the Gates Agenda of Gathering Data About Teachers Abolish Poverty and A World Without Public Students? and Jon Stewart's "Crisis in Dairyland"

"No Teachers Will Be Hurt"

This story updates an older one entitled, "Stoning Teachers Raises Some Eyebrows"

WARNING: THIS STORY IS SATIRE. IT IS NOT REAL. IT IS NOT TRUE.  SOME OF YOUR COMMENTS HAVE LED US TO BELIEVE YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS.

August 12, 2012 9:00am EST
"Who would have thought that a concert that was supposed to honor teachers could engender so much controversy?" With these words, a sheepish Les Moonves, CBS President and CEO, began apologizing for his network's support of a concert at which attendees could throw rocks at teachers. At a press conference held yesterday in Los Angeles, CBS's head honcho explained, “We will still broadcast ‘Teachers Rock’ but absolutely no public school teachers will be hurt. Not in jest. Not for fun. Not at all.”

Inundated with complaints from an outraged public, those involved with the production, including corporate monstrosity Walmart, were forced to issue a public apology and cancel the stoning booth which for the cost of one dollar would have allowed participants to “Rock-a-Teacher.”  Among those present for the mea culpa was concert producer Ken Ehrlich. "I guess it wasn't as funny as we thought," he confessed to reporters.

Even before the stoning booth controversy, teachers had criticized the concert, which is a publicity event for a soon-to-be-released movie entitled, "Won't Back Down." Many in the education field see the movie as just one more way to malign public schools. Influential education historian and prolific blogger Diane Ravitch described the film, starring Viola Davis and Jake Gyllenhaal's sister, as a "sneaky push for privatization." Already facing ridicule, how did producers manage to make things worse?

A perosn who attended several production meetings but wishes to remain anonymous, revealed that while discussing vendors for the concert, which included the typical food and tee-shirt hawkers, Walmart and Walden Media representatives suggested having a dunking booth.  Later someone proposed the "dunkee" be a teacher. Our source explained, "Everybody laughed."  The tone in the room began to change rather quickly. “One thing led to another and all of a sudden we were talking about stoning public school teachers. I'm not really sure how it happened. It just got out of hand." However outrageous it sounds now, the idea must have seemed like a good one as no one put a stop to it.

Interestingly, the canceled stoning still has its defenders. "It was supposed to be a joke. They weren't even really stones," explained Paul Anschutz, who financed “Waiting for Superman.” “They were more like pebbles. And all the teachers were going to be paid union wages plus they were allowed to wear helmets."

Michelle Rhee also expressed disappointment over the cancellation. "I was going to drive all the way down from Sacramento for this opportunity. I even had my own rocks."

Reality Alert: 
Interested in how we came to write this? Read Diane Ravitch and Parents Across America twice.

Ravitch Home Raided

Police Blotter - New York
Police personnel from the Critical Incident Unit broke into education historian Diane Ravitch's home after she failed to Tweet or blog for a full forty-five minutes yesterday.

"Our department received numerous 911 calls from concerned followers of Ravitch's Twitter and blog accounts, so we had to respond," explained Captain Mark Deral.

It turns out the outspoken critic of educational policies such as high-stakes testing was merely taking a nap.  "She was very surprised to see us while we were mostly relieved." Deral said.

Through a spokesperson, Ravitch said she would try to be more vigilant in her communication.

Teachers Suck More Than They Used To

Washington D.C. - There is an epidemic of bad teaching in U.S. schools, reports the federal Centers for Disease Control and it shows no signs of waning.  At a press conference on Tuesday, Dr. Haniff Gupta said, "Based on flawed tests administered once a year to students, we have determined that teachers suck more than they used to.  We're trying to get this under control but we're not sure what is causing it."  

The highest rates of infection among teachers seem to be in neighborhoods with the greatest percentage of students qualifying for free lunch. Additionally, the disease seems especially virulent among middle school teachers.  "I don't know what I did wrong.  It's a really difficult job," whined 7th grade English teacher Jennifer Rose of I.S. 200 in the Bronx. Dr. Gupta, whose study was partially funded by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, noted that "bellyaching" was one of the symptoms of Bad Teaching Disease (BTD).  Other signs include pointing to studies that evidence no relationship between student exams and teacher competence and following Diane Ravitch on Twitter.

Scientists are also having a difficult time determining why the plague seems localized to under-served communities.  "While we are grateful it hasn't spread, it is an unusual phenomenon," noted Gupta.  

"Thank God, it hasn't infected our schools," said Mindy DeHoog whose daughter Blakely attends the Gifted and Talented School for the Children of Job Creators (GTSCJC), a public school on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. "I would hate to have to move to the suburbs."

The CDC's press release noted that, "The public should rest assured knowing the government is doing everything it can to blame teachers unions for the outbreak.  Meanwhile, our best scientists are on the case and we expect to announce an untested cure as soon as Michelle Rhee tells us what it is."

Randi Weingarten, head of the American Federation of Teachers, could not be reached for comment though she was spotted wearing a surgical mask.