Infraction Transaction: City To Fine Students For Misbehaving

New York City - Facing a shortfall of almost half a billion dollars because his administration failed to reach an agreement with city teachers over an evaluation system, Mayor Bloomberg has decided to borrow an idea from charter schools to raise funds for education. He's allowing NYC schools to fine students for violations of Department of Education policies.

Under new DOE rules, schools will collect
fines from unruly students

"The idea of there being consequences for actions is not a new one," said hizzoner on Friday at a press conference announcing the new program entitled, "Infraction Transaction." "It's just that this time, the consequences will contain a financial pinch. Beginning next year, students will be fined if they break school rules. While the amounts will be minimal, anywhere from a quarter to $5.00 per infraction, we expect the results will be tremendous."

When asked if he was worried that some students and their families might not be able to afford the fines, the billionaire laughingly scoffed, "Don't do the crime if you ain't got a dime."

Several administrators from schools that utilized financial deterrents as part of a pilot program were on hand to answer questions. They touted the idea but not because it effectively improved student behavior. Instead administrators praised the program as a great way to increase revenue. Assistant Principal Beau Argent of Midwood High School in Brooklyn explained, "Last year we couldn't afford to buy paper. But this year because of all the money we collected, we were able to buy an entire year's worth of paper and two new copy machines."

A bit of research also revealed that individual teachers had successfully used financial penalty systems in their classrooms for years. Mr. Dan Ero, who teaches American History at Lehman High School in the Bronx, credits its stringent implementation with enabling him to retire early.

"I demand a quarter for each rule infraction," explained Ero as he pointed to a jar half-filled with quarters. "I expected to retire after the 2019-2020 school year but because of this jar, I will be able to retire at the end of this year. I just wish I had thought of it sooner."

With a promise of maintaining their anonymity, two students voiced their dissatisfaction with Mr. Ero's costly consequences. "It used to kind of make sense, like put a quarter in the jar when you cursed or when you were late to school. Then it got stricter," complained one student.

"Now you have to kick in when you're out sick, when you use a pen instead of a pencil or when he thinks you're not paying attention. Last week I got fined because my shoes were untied."  noted another pupil.

Parent advocate and founder of the NYC Public School Parent blog, Leonie Haimson was not pleased with the new program. "The mayor continues to demonstrate the sensitivity of a skunk in a perfume factory when it comes to the needs of working families."

It what the city claims is unrelated news, Chancellor Dennis Walcott announced New York City public schools will implement a new stricter disciplinary code effective next year.

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Go to: Charter Discipline Policy Under Fire and Marsha Godard, Chicago Mother, Fined Over $3,000 For Son's Behavior At Noble Network Charter School

Worst Womb in New York City

New York City - As we reported last month, Pearson PLC and New York City's Department of Education announced that utilizing nano technology Pearson scientists had developed a way to administer standardized exams to fetuses. Today the DOE revealed how data from those tests will be used.

At a City Hall press conference, Education Chancellor Dennis Walcott explained that fetus exam results will be used to determine the mother's value add measurement (VAM). Walcott explained, "Using a complicated algorithm, we can estimate the mother's contribution to her fetus' test performance compared to other mothers." According to the chancellor if a mother's VAM is in the lowest quartile, then she might be deemed an 'ineffective gestational carrier' and "the DOE would suggest some changes to her maternal practices."

Should mothers be held accountable
for their fetus' test scores?

Both Mayor Michael Bloomberg and Chancellor Walcott refused to respond to reporters' repeated questions about the reliability of such measurements nor did they want to discuss what might happen if the mother refused to or was unable to 'change her maternal practice.' When one reporter referred to VAM as 'junk science' the mayor responded angrily, "Everybody says an evaluation system is important...until you try to use it. I get evaluated everyday and I think fetuses and their carriers should be no different."

In related news, the New York Post vowed to publish photos of the "worst wombs in New York" as determined by VAM scores. The United Federation of Mothers (UFM) is looking into the evaluation system and is expected to comment on it later in the week.

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Read Value-Added Nonsense and Connecticut Adds New Tests for Kindergarten, 1 and 2 Grades as well as comments associated with piece. Also Analysis: Shaming Teachers Is Not Good Educational Policy

Best Buds: Bloomberg Calms a Nervous Walcott

New York City - During a press conference marking the beginning of the school year for students, Mayor Bloomberg revealed, “As I was walking down the street with the Schools Chancellor Dennis Walcott towards the cameras, he asked me to hold his hand. He was so nervous because of the first day."  Although the mayor claimed he declined the request, this photo suggests otherwise.

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Read Back to Class for NYC Public School Students

From Slime to Self-flagellation: Teachers Prepare for New School Year

New York City - While some teachers prepare to return to their classrooms by reviewing curriculum and purchasing needed supplies, many veteran educators get ready in less traditional ways.  We sent reporters to each of the boroughs to uncover their secrets.

Staten Island
Beginning early in August, Ginny Evans, who has taught middle schoolers at I.S. 352 for twelve years, practices holding her urine. "When school lets out, I get used to peeing when I want to.  Then when August comes around, I can barely go four hours without urinating and that will just not do," Mrs. Evans shakes her head. "I've done a lot of Kegels and had a few accidents but now I can hold it for almost nine hours. My bladder is almost ready for back-to-back coverages plus lunch duty on an after-school tutoring day," Evans says with a proud smile.

Queens
Meanwhile over in Queens, you can find pre-K teacher Valerie Winkle in her backyard, donning
goggles and standing in a kiddie pool. "Fire away," she yells to her ten-year-old son Bobby, who is

Slime helps Winkle prepare for the coming school year

armed with a toy gun filled with Nickeloden slime. Dutifully and delightedly, Bobby pulls the trigger. Almost instantly his mom is covered in gooey green muck. Winkle calmly wipes the ooze from her face and forces these words, "That's ok sweetheart." She repeats this cycle approximately twelve times a day during the summer months. The eight-year veteran of Community School 142 explains her training matter-of-factly, "Since I teach the little ones, I know that several times during the year I will be the displeased recipient of bodily fluids which are not my own. This training allows me to graciously handle all the vomit, snot etcetera that awaits me."

Manhattan

Mr. Gold practices dodging spit balls

While some teachers focus on controlling fluids, high school teachers build up other skills. "I've practiced dodging projectiles for years but with the relaxed discipline code, it's especially important," advises seventeen-year veteran William Gold, who will teach ninth grade English at John Lindsay High School. Many times throughout the day and always without warning, Gold can count on his wife Mabel to hurl paper clips and/or spit balls at him. Mabel smiles as she describes her husband's progress, "At the end of July, I nailed him almost every time but now he anticipates my every move." During a demonstration of his skills, the fifty-two-year-old impressed with Matrix-like speed and agility. Assessing his own preparedness, Mr. Gold boasts, "I'm ready for the little pishers."

Bronx
Silence is the hallmark of Mr. Wallace Edwards' school preparation. "I've taught for nineteen years at the Murdoch School for Communication and for fifteen of them, I've practiced biting my tongue." Edwards says he mostly utilizes the skill during staff meetings and professional development. "Sometimes you want to make suggestions or point out more effective ways to do something but over the years I've realized the administration doesn't really want to hear from teachers." Wallace, whose tongue shows visible scarring, says the skill is also useful at home. "I'm pretty sure our relationship is better for having perfected this skill."  His life-partner Dan Engels is not so sure. "Did he tell you he suffers from ulcers?"

Brooklyn

Teacher Lori uses self-flagellation to
prepare for annual abuse

Perhaps the most grueling efforts are made by Dominic Lori, a veteran educator of twenty-five years. "I beat myself twelve to fifteen times a day with a cat o' nine tails." Asked why he practices self-flagellation the soft-spoken Lori explains, "It hardens me to abuse." But if you're thinking Lori instructs hostile juvenile delinquents, think again. "Oh heavens no. The students are fabulous but at every other level, people seem bent on vilifying teachers so it's just my way of getting ready for it." Who exactly is abusing teachers? The Edward Grout High School history teacher has no trouble describing the culprits. "There's Mayor Bloomberg who shifted the responsibility of learning from students to teachers and then shamed us with the publication of discredited value-add scores. We have political leaders like Jeb Bush who compare neighborhood public schools to choosing milk. And of course other reformers like Michelle Rhee conveniently ignore the effects of poverty on student achievement and never discuss the National Assessment of Educational Progress scores which are at their highest point in history for many student groups." Mr. Lori sees the status quo in education as revolving around teacher attacks. "My training simply acclimates me to the pain," Lori says glumly. When it was suggested that perhaps the United Federation of Teachers could help, Lori volunteered, "They already have. They bought me a hair shirt."

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Read Disciplinary code revisions could reduce student suspensions and  How to Demoralize Teachers and Jeb Bush's Ed Speech and My View: Rhee is wrong and misinformed