Uber Teachers Are Uber Powerful: New Study Finds

Good news for the poor. There is no need to improve the lives of people who live in poverty because a great teacher will fix all their problems - eventually.... at some unspecified time in the future.

According to a research project funded by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation a great teacher, "[c]an make a dramatic difference in the lives of low-income students." Gates spokesperson Stacey Scott elaborated on the project's findings, "We are pleased to self-satisfactorily declare that uber-educators can make so great a difference in the lives of their students that all daily stresses such as low-paying unstable jobs, inadequate dental, vision and medical care, classism, predatory lending practices, underfunded retirement, inaccessible child care and neighborhood environmental exploitation are practically eliminated."

Mrs. Wilcox, whose thirteen-year-old daughter attends Jeb Bush Middle School in Tampa, Florida agrees, "Before my daughter got her new teacher she had lots of problems. But ever since Miss Cary got here, with her five weeks of enthusiastic training, my daughter doesn't worry about my being unemployed. She waves at the slumlord, even though he hasn't removed the lead paint from the hallway. She scoots by the crack addicts and ignores the rats, bed bugs and roaches. Now that she has Ms. Cary, all her troubles seem to have melted away."

Other people were less enthusiastic about the proclamation. "Not sure any teacher can solve my problems," responded fifteen-year-old Luis Martinez of Bedford Stuyvesant. "I've had a lot of great teachers but I don't see no difference. I sure would like to though because a lot of the time I'm hungry and my moms needs her diabetes medication, my dad hasn't worked in two years and my older brother wants me to join his gang. What's a teacher going to do about that?"

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Read What Happens When Profits Drive Reform and Response to Anthony Cody: The Role of the Marketplace in Education and You Can't Wish It Away

Teachers Suck More Than They Used To

Washington D.C. - There is an epidemic of bad teaching in U.S. schools, reports the federal Centers for Disease Control and it shows no signs of waning.  At a press conference on Tuesday, Dr. Haniff Gupta said, "Based on flawed tests administered once a year to students, we have determined that teachers suck more than they used to.  We're trying to get this under control but we're not sure what is causing it."  

The highest rates of infection among teachers seem to be in neighborhoods with the greatest percentage of students qualifying for free lunch. Additionally, the disease seems especially virulent among middle school teachers.  "I don't know what I did wrong.  It's a really difficult job," whined 7th grade English teacher Jennifer Rose of I.S. 200 in the Bronx. Dr. Gupta, whose study was partially funded by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, noted that "bellyaching" was one of the symptoms of Bad Teaching Disease (BTD).  Other signs include pointing to studies that evidence no relationship between student exams and teacher competence and following Diane Ravitch on Twitter.

Scientists are also having a difficult time determining why the plague seems localized to under-served communities.  "While we are grateful it hasn't spread, it is an unusual phenomenon," noted Gupta.  

"Thank God, it hasn't infected our schools," said Mindy DeHoog whose daughter Blakely attends the Gifted and Talented School for the Children of Job Creators (GTSCJC), a public school on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. "I would hate to have to move to the suburbs."

The CDC's press release noted that, "The public should rest assured knowing the government is doing everything it can to blame teachers unions for the outbreak.  Meanwhile, our best scientists are on the case and we expect to announce an untested cure as soon as Michelle Rhee tells us what it is."

Randi Weingarten, head of the American Federation of Teachers, could not be reached for comment though she was spotted wearing a surgical mask.