Pearson Buys New York State Education Department

Commissioner King and Chancellor Tisch wait patiently
for their turn to speak as their new Pearson overlord
announces the takeover

Albany, New York - Best described as "not your usual corporate takeover," Pearson PLC announced that it has acquired the New York State Education Department (NYSED).

The big announcement was made at a press conference attended in person by Board of Regents Chancellor Merryl Tisch and Education Department Commissioner John King and via satellite by Pearson CEO Marjorie Scardino who is based in London.

A proud Scardino confessed, "Pearson has been calling the shots in New York State for quite a while now. So this just makes it official." According to sources in both organizations, Pearson had been slowly and surreptitiously acquiring the NYSED for more than four years.

Both King and Tisch nodded silently but enthusiastically as Scardino laid out Pearson's plan for "fully integrating all aspects of New York State public education into the seamless mission of helping people make more of their lives through learning what is important to corporations."

How did this come to pass?
With the promise of anonymity, a corporate insider disclosed the steps Pearson took to ensure the takeover would be successful. "Getting the politicians on board was easy; it just took some juicy political contributions. But getting the teachers and parents to go along... well that took a good deal of manipulation." He cited the adoption of the common core by almost every state as a game changer. "It made the acquisition fiscally wise."

According to our source, Pearson then set out to become an indispensable resource provider: textbooks to students, professional development to teachers and standardized testing to administrators. "Pearson expects to be greeted as liberators in New York State. After all how can you say 'no' to the corporation that guides your entire educational growth from cradle to grave." Apparently you can't, unless the federal government intervenes.

One of the first steps in formalizing Pearson's
takeover: new stationary

The proposed merger still needs approval from the Federal Trade Commission (FTC).  While refusing to comment on the merits of the merger, "uncommon" is how chair of the FTC, Edith Ramirez, described it. "Generally corporations takeover governmental agencies in a more low-key manner like lobbying the legislature or placing former employees inside of them," noted Ramirez. Despite the lack of corporate finesse none of the merger experts we contacted saw any obvious reasons for the FTC to block the takeover. And very few other individuals or groups seem willing to come out against it.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo was unavailable for comment. The American Federation of Teachers (AFT), which initially voiced objections to the Pearson-NYSED deal, has backed off since accepting a sizable grant from the Gates Foundation to research successful government/private industry partnerships. Some teachers have even expressed excitement about the takeover. Justin of Pennsylvania tweeted, "Maybe now, as a shareholder, I could have a say in my own profession." Meanwhile education bloggers have been angrily spouting off about the merger using terms like "conflict of interest" and "privatization of public education" but honestly who listens to them?

When asked if Pearson would be acquiring other state education departments, Scardino gave a tight-lipped smile, though John King mumbled something about there being "no place to hide."

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Go to: Principal Katie Zahedi holds up letter bearing two logos: NYS Education Dept and Pearson at two minutes) and  Is Pearson's take over of education complete?

Worst Womb in New York City

New York City - As we reported last month, Pearson PLC and New York City's Department of Education announced that utilizing nano technology Pearson scientists had developed a way to administer standardized exams to fetuses. Today the DOE revealed how data from those tests will be used.

At a City Hall press conference, Education Chancellor Dennis Walcott explained that fetus exam results will be used to determine the mother's value add measurement (VAM). Walcott explained, "Using a complicated algorithm, we can estimate the mother's contribution to her fetus' test performance compared to other mothers." According to the chancellor if a mother's VAM is in the lowest quartile, then she might be deemed an 'ineffective gestational carrier' and "the DOE would suggest some changes to her maternal practices."

Should mothers be held accountable
for their fetus' test scores?

Both Mayor Michael Bloomberg and Chancellor Walcott refused to respond to reporters' repeated questions about the reliability of such measurements nor did they want to discuss what might happen if the mother refused to or was unable to 'change her maternal practice.' When one reporter referred to VAM as 'junk science' the mayor responded angrily, "Everybody says an evaluation system is important...until you try to use it. I get evaluated everyday and I think fetuses and their carriers should be no different."

In related news, the New York Post vowed to publish photos of the "worst wombs in New York" as determined by VAM scores. The United Federation of Mothers (UFM) is looking into the evaluation system and is expected to comment on it later in the week.

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Read Value-Added Nonsense and Connecticut Adds New Tests for Kindergarten, 1 and 2 Grades as well as comments associated with piece. Also Analysis: Shaming Teachers Is Not Good Educational Policy

The Tiniest Test Takers

London - Pearson PLC, the world's leading learning company, announced a new product that will allow the company to begin administering standardized tests to the nation's youngest students - fetuses.

Pearson-provided sonogram of fetus taking ELA exam. Sadly,
test scores prove the fetus is merely average.

New Pearson CEO John Fallon gushed, "We couldn't be more excited about this development."

Mr. Fallon explained to reporters how Pearson scientists used nano technology to create tiny number two pencils that can be placed into a woman's uterus. "If you look very closely, you can see that we have been able to provide the fetus with a bubble test and a number two pencil," boasted Fallon while pointing to a sonogram.

Scientists associated with the project agree that the new development is quite a feat. "Shrinking the pencil wasn't too difficult," explains Dr. Michelle Benito. "But creating test booklets and bubble sheets resistant to amniotic fluid, well that took a good deal of effort."

Benito describes the testing process, "Testing materials are injected into the mother's uterus utilizing the same needles employed during amniocentesis. Then we guide the materials into the fetus' hands using probes and prod it to take the exam. We give the unborn about an hour to complete the test and then we suction the materials out through the needle. The only problems we have encountered are fetuses who refuse to take the exam and fetuses who eat the pencils."

Asked by one reporter if standardized testing of the unborn was perhaps "ridiculous" Fallon responded irately, "Our philosophy is that you can never test too early or too often. Clients that agree will purchase and implement this product; clients that don't, won't."

When asked to comment on this new Pearson initiative, American Federation of Teachers President Randi Weingarten responded with a question of her own, "Can we finally agree that testing is out of control?"

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Read the Jason Standford: Cashing in on Pre-K Testing, Connecticut Adds New Tests for Kindergarten, 1 and 2 Grades as well as comments associated with piece. Also Florida Gets Tough on 5-Year-Olds.