Election Results: Public Education Loses

New York City - From their broadcast studios at 30 Rockefeller Center in New York City, MSNBC called the presidential election only one minute after polls had closed on election night. At 9:01pm EST, Rachel Maddow announced that public education had lost. "With only 1% of precincts reporting, MSNBC can confirm with a 0% margin of error that public education has lost." Citing the 100% likelihood that either President Obama or Mitt Romney would win Maddow said, "Given that both candidates support policies that promote privatization of education while ignoring fundamental flaws in our economic system that perpetuate childhoods spent in poverty, we are confident in declaring public education a loser this evening."

Comments on the loss came from many circles. NBC broadcaster Brian Williams expressed relief, "I was afraid we might have to actually invite some public school teachers to next year's Education Nation but with this defeat, it is clear we can continue to pander to the union-crushing corporate privatizing agenda." Randi Weingarten, president of the American Federation of Teachers, issued this statement, "No matter who wins, we will semi-respectfully hold our nose to work with him." Michelle Rhee, CEO of Students First, was too drunk to comment, having begun her celebratory consumption of libations some time in October.

Breaking News: Teacher Invited to Education Conference

New York City - Setting aside a long-held tradition, the New York Times has invited an actual public school teacher to participate in their upcoming "Schools of Tomorrow" conference.

Elaine Doctris, who teaches fifth graders at PS 800 in Queens, is the chosen one. "I'm honored and a little confused," she confessed.  "I mean they've never asked a public school teacher to speak before. I hope it isn't a mistake."

According to Kirstie Hepburn, one of the event's organizers, picking Ms. Doctris was no mistake. "We used New York City's Teacher Data Release to obtain the names of public school teachers. Then we dumped all the names into a giant hat and picked one. You know, kind of like 'The Hunger Games.'"

Teachers are infamous for slowing up corporate-driven discussion panels by providing facts, suggesting methods be tested before implementation and by sharing real life experiences. So why did the Times have a change of heart and include an educator? Ms. Hepburn admitted, "Teachers are really good at whining and frankly we just got tired of them complaining on their blogs about not being included at this event."

While incessant whining may have finally resulted in a begrudging invitation, it is still unclear if Ms. Doctris will attend.  "I really want to go but it's on a Thursday, during the day, at the beginning of the school year.  I'm not sure it's fair to my students," she explained. May the odds be always in your favor, Elaine.

In related news, the New York Times is also reportedly toying with the idea of inviting practicing physicians to its annual "Future of Medicine" conference. Scheduled speakers to this event currently include: GlaxoSmithKline CEO Andrew Witty, Pfizer Chairman of the Board and CEO Ian Read and celebrity/oxycontin user Rush Limbaugh.

Reality Alert: Interested in how we came to write this? Read The Jose Vilson blog and see Schools of Tomorrow speakers list.