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Thursday, August 2, 2012

Teachers Suck More Than They Used To

Washington D.C. - There is an epidemic of bad teaching in U.S. schools, reports the federal Centers for Disease Control and it shows no signs of waning.  At a press conference on Tuesday, Dr. Haniff Gupta said, "Based on flawed tests administered once a year to students, we have determined that teachers suck more than they used to.  We're trying to get this under control but we're not sure what is causing it."  

The highest rates of infection among teachers seem to be in neighborhoods with the greatest percentage of students qualifying for free lunch. Additionally, the disease seems especially virulent among middle school teachers.  "I don't know what I did wrong.  It's a really difficult job," whined 7th grade English teacher Jennifer Rose of I.S. 200 in the Bronx. Dr. Gupta, whose study was partially funded by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, noted that "bellyaching" was one of the symptoms of Bad Teaching Disease (BTD).  Other signs include pointing to studies that evidence no relationship between student exams and teacher competence and following Diane Ravitch on Twitter.

Scientists are also having a difficult time determining why the plague seems localized to under-served communities.  "While we are grateful it hasn't spread, it is an unusual phenomenon," noted Gupta.  

"Thank God, it hasn't infected our schools," said Mindy DeHoog whose daughter Blakely attends the Gifted and Talented School for the Children of Job Creators (GTSCJC), a public school on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. "I would hate to have to move to the suburbs."

The CDC's press release noted that, "The public should rest assured knowing the government is doing everything it can to blame teachers unions for the outbreak.  Meanwhile, our best scientists are on the case and we expect to announce an untested cure as soon as Michelle Rhee tells us what it is."

Randi Weingarten, head of the American Federation of Teachers, could not be reached for comment though she was spotted wearing a surgical mask.


  1. great new blog; can you include a widget so we can subcribe? thanks!

  2. I agree that Teachers (In the USA) Suck. It is not just in free lunch schools, but everywhere. I live in good community with high rated schools, but the public school teachers still suck. Most parents agree when we discuss. To us teachers are basically long shore workers. Union jobs that pay high with protection. Yes there are maybe 1% of teachers who care, but most just could not get a real job that paid well. Seems like they do more damage than good. Both my kids are smart and hard workers, and both have had teachers that have pushed them away from any enjoyment of the subject in multiple classes. We wonder why we are #10 in math and science in world now. If we do not get a handle on how bad (lazy, mean teachers) our kids are being taught in our schools our future generations will all be service workers for the highly educated, enthusiastic about learning, immigrants who will have all the high paying jobs. Except for the union teachers.

  3. Science Researches Jumping into Teaching

    The new science classes professors lack so many teaching skills. The majority of students dislike these type of instructors. From research to teaching is a total different thing. Teaching skills, communication skills, and more than anything being able to work sorrounded by many people are some of the things they lack. Institutions should not hire these researchers just because they have a Ph.D. The most affected people here are the students not the new lack of skills instructors. The instructors get paid not matter what, but students never get to understand the material well. These MDs, with a Ph.D teaching in higher education institutions need to get trained in education so they can do their job TEACHE!