Baby-faced Blackmailers

NYC's youngest criminals
major in reading, writing
and extortion

New York - Sometime on Thursday several elementary school students, who thought they were going on a field trip, were instead ushered into a police van and then taken to the local precinct. Their crime? The gang of eight-year-olds allegedly tried to shakedown their teachers.

At a press conference held by Manhattan District Attorney Cyrus Vance, Jr. Friday morning, prosecutors shared some information about the suspects in the plot to extort favors from two of their teachers.

D.A. Vance said that four third graders from P.S. 6, whose names were being witheld because of their youth, had been charged with several counts of larceny. Further, it was revealed that over the course of several weeks, math teacher Sharon Norbury and physical education teacher Mi Yagi were repeatedly threatened with poor evaluations by the students if they failed to cooperate with student demands.

Prosecutors shared a letter written by the students and addressed to the teachers which said, "Even through [sic] you'r [sic] jobs suk [sic] , we bet u'd [sic] like to keep them. We can make that hapen [sic] for a price."

Eventually the educators reported the blackmailers to police and agreed to wear recording devices during negotiations with the pint-sized hooligans. On the recordings you can hear students promising to give teachers positive feedback on the newly implemented Tripod Student Survey if the teachers did what the students wanted. Demands included pizza parties, providing "lots of stickers" and extra recess time.

Neither Department of Education Chancellor Dennis Walcott nor State Education Commissioner John King were available for comment about these recent developments, though they are largely responsible for giving third graders the burden/responsibility of rating teachers. However, Principal Willis DeWitt admitted that he should have known something was up, "I mean how many pizza parties can you have in one week? It was like a bacchanal in there. Kids dancing, eating paste, running with scissors, throwing Legos. One time I walked in and Ms. Norbury was tied up. She looked frightened but told me they were studying knot tying. I should have known better."

An arraignment is scheduled for Friday at 2:15pm.

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Go to: King Unveils Long-Awaited Evaluations Systems For City Educators

Top Ten Reasons I Joined Teach for America by Kai Merikal

Kai is an eager
TFA recruit

Kai Merikal, a twenty-two-year-old from Wisconsin, will be teaching fourth graders in Newark, New Jersey beginning in September. Below she shares her reasons for joining Teach for America.

10.  I didn't get into law school yet.
  9.  I want to be sainted.
  8.  I believe if I believe hard enough that my students can learn, they will.
  7.  How difficult could teaching really be?
  6.  Because I'm blind to the long-term consequences of my actions.
  5.  My other temp job didn't offer health insurance.
  4.  I ran out of things to blog about.
  3.  After just two TFA years, I'm qualified to head up just about any school district
       that education reformers can get their hands on.
  2.  It's the only way I could get TFA recruiters to stop calling and emailing me.
  1.  The kids I'm going to teach are already so screwed up, how much harm can      
       having an untrained teacher do?

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Go to The Three Biggest TFA Lies and Why Teach For America Is Not Welcome In My Classroom and A Glorified Temp Agency.

Have You Heard The One About....

...the woman who enrolled her child in a new school?  After the principal welcomed them to the learning community, the mother made a request, "It is very important to me that my child have a first year teacher."

The principal responded with a nod, "We have several first year teachers on staff."

The woman continued, "And can you guarantee that my child will get the teacher who has received the least amount of preparation for the job?"

"Um, two of our new teachers only attended five weeks of training this summer," the confused principal replied.

"Wonderful," the woman answered. "And of those two teachers, would you please ensure that my child gets the one who is most likely to leave the profession?"

The puzzled principal hesitated for a moment, "I'm afraid they will both probably leave teaching in two to three years."

"Well then either one will do," the satisfied mother smiled.

"While I'm glad you are satisfied, I must say your request is an unusual one. May I ask why you would want the teacher who is least experienced, least trained and least likely to stay in the profession?"

The woman smiled knowingly, "Oh that's easy. Michelle Rhee said they make the best teachers."

Election Results: Public Education Loses

New York City - From their broadcast studios at 30 Rockefeller Center in New York City, MSNBC called the presidential election only one minute after polls had closed on election night. At 9:01pm EST, Rachel Maddow announced that public education had lost. "With only 1% of precincts reporting, MSNBC can confirm with a 0% margin of error that public education has lost." Citing the 100% likelihood that either President Obama or Mitt Romney would win Maddow said, "Given that both candidates support policies that promote privatization of education while ignoring fundamental flaws in our economic system that perpetuate childhoods spent in poverty, we are confident in declaring public education a loser this evening."

Comments on the loss came from many circles. NBC broadcaster Brian Williams expressed relief, "I was afraid we might have to actually invite some public school teachers to next year's Education Nation but with this defeat, it is clear we can continue to pander to the union-crushing corporate privatizing agenda." Randi Weingarten, president of the American Federation of Teachers, issued this statement, "No matter who wins, we will semi-respectfully hold our nose to work with him." Michelle Rhee, CEO of Students First, was too drunk to comment, having begun her celebratory consumption of libations some time in October.

Not Our Usual Fare

We know you come to this site for a laugh but some things are just NOT funny. Here's a non-satirical editorial from Students Last.
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How nice to be told by the presidential candidates, during their last debate, that they "love teachers." Too bad it's bullshit, like the flowers a woman gets the day after her abuser gives her a black eye. And it's not just the candidates who are "loving" teachers to death. America itself has, at least as of late, quite the abusive relationship with teachers - claiming to love teachers but repeatedly disrespecting them in a myriad of ways. What teachers need is fewer meaningless words and a helluva a lot more deeds of respect.

When teachers tell you that standardized testing is robbing instructional time, narrowing curriculum and encouraging cheating but you act like their concerns are a ploy to avoid accountability, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When you hold education conferences and there are no public school teachers on the panel but there are five CEO's, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When the solution to turning around a failing school is to fire half the staff, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When you accuse teacher unions of protecting child molesters, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When teachers tell you that generational poverty hangs over the lives of their students like an impenetrable fog dampening desire, fostering anger, distracting young minds and you think they are making excuses, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When you refer to teachers as "professionals" but then dilute their ranks with those who have ten-watts of enthusiasm and five-weeks of training, shoving them into the neediest schools where they cut their teaching teeth on defenseless children, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When the most well-known names in education today are people who taught for three years or....never, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When, despite teachers' knowledgeable objections, your idea of measuring teaching and learning is to administer more and more flawed bubble exams to younger and younger students, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When you laud the test results of charter schools that cherry pick their students, receive extraordinary private funding, create an aura of fear with high suspension rates coupled with the expulsion of under-performing students, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When those who make policy send their children to private schools while shoveling mounds of unvetted nonsense onto the overburdened shoulders of public schools, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

Perpetrators of domestic abuse tell their victims they love them and moments later clench their fists, preparing to strike another blow. So candidates, so America, hold onto your amorous bouquets and stop mouthing words you clearly do not mean or understand.

"Love" us less. Respect us a helluva a lot more.

Invisibility Cloak: For All Your Testing Needs

Need to hide a few students for upcoming exams? Afraid your school's test scores will be dragged down by low-performing special education students? Certain the English Language Learners will fail to make annual yearly progress?  Will students with poor attendance impact your whole school with their lousy test performance?

Invisibility Cloak (IC) can help.

IC uses a two-prong approach to optimize your student testing population. With our first approach, undesirable test-takers will be encouraged through a series of pre-written letters, engaging videos and scripted counseling sessions to leave your school using three different scenarios. Package A urges students to pursue their GED; Package B gently suggests students transfer to a different school; and Package C advises students to exercise the dropout option. You choose the package that is most convenient for you.

IC's second approach uses state-of-the-art software technology to make your undesirable students vanish. With a simple click of a button, up to four hundred problem-students will simply disappear from your school roster. And once they're gone, your school should have no problems generating the positive test scores needed to satisfy No Child Left Behind requirements. Of course, you can restore them after testing is complete.

Success guaranteed.

Testimonials:
"IC is a life-saver. With just a small upfront investment, our school administrators were able to secure bonuses of more than $50,000 from the U.S. Department of Education because our test scores appeared to go up," - anonymous Texas principal.

"I wish they had offered this type of training a few years ago." - assistant principal Atlanta, Georgia.

"We all know it's a game and with IC's software, gaming the the system becomes child's play." - district superintendent, Florida.

Coming soon: On-line professional development course in how to help students pass high-stakes exams. Hear from our team of experts on optimal seating arrangement to facilitate answer exchange among students, when and where to host erasure parties and the effective use of hand signaling during multiple choice tests.

Reality Alert: 
Interested in how we came to write this? Read The Wicked Spawn of NCLB and El Paso School District Rebuilds After Fraudulent Testing Practices By Administrators

Stripper Fired For Being A Teacher

Teachers rejected: "We have our standards"

Grand Rapids, Michigan - Stripper Bunny Halter has filed a federal employment discrimination lawsuit against her former employer strip club White Glove, claiming she was fired one year ago due to her previous employment as a teacher.

"I know I made some bad choices," Ms. Halter apologized at a press conference organized by her attorney Gloria Allred. "But I've left the education field now and I don't think I should be punished for trying to support my family. I've really turned my life around."

Ms. Halter took a job as a teacher briefly when a medical issue left her unable to pole dance. "The bills kept piling up and I didn't know what else to do. I was desperate. I'm not proud of what I did but at the time taking a job as a lazy greedy fifth grade teacher seemed like my only choice," Bunny sniffed into the microphone before burying her head in her lawyer's shoulder.

White Glove owner, Sid Vasdeferens held his own press conference in front of his popular establishment. "For God's sake, I'm trying to run a business and even we have our standards," implored Vasdeferens. "Once our clients found out we employed teachers, they were turned off. We don't need no teachers giving us a bad name."

Attorney Allred said her client was suing for $110,000 in lost wages, which is what Bunny anticipated earning as an exotic dance last year. Interestingly that sum is almost twice as much as the average teacher's salary in Michigan.

Reached for comment by phone, President David Hecker of the Michigan chapter of the American Federation of Teachers said, "This is what happens when a profession is attacked day after day. Respect for the teaching profession has been suffering a death of a thousand cuts and it has got to stop." Meanwhile the president of the American Federation of Strippers union, Randy Randi said she was, "Looking into the merits of Ms. Halter's lawsuit."

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Read Teacher Survey Shows Morale is at a Low Point and The Chicago Strike Is Typical of American Politicians' War On Teachers

Drug Dealers Defeat Teachers: New Poll

Some surprising results turned up in a new Gallup poll. The poll asked parents to rank occupations according to how much they hoped their children aspired to the profession. Among the most desired were perennial favorites, doctors and lawyers. Nurses also did well. Although they fell 3% from last year's ranking, nurses still managed to come in third place.

Teachers, however, did not fair so well. Two years ago they came in third place; this year they scored below drug dealers. Asked to comment on the poll results, Karen Lewis, who heads the Chicago Teachers Union said, "We have been attacked for years. So I'm not surprised that parents do not see our profession as a viable career choice for their children."

Still teachers can take solace in knowing that they continue to score above dentists, who have come in last place for ten consecutive years.

The full poll results were as follows:

Ranking	Profession	% of Parents Ranking Profession First
1	Doctor	44
2	Lawyer	20
3	Nurse	16
4	Accountant	10
5	Drug Dealer	6
6	Teacher	3
7	Dentist	1

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Read The Chicago strike is typical of American politicians' war on teacher

Breaking News: Teacher Invited to Education Conference

New York City - Setting aside a long-held tradition, the New York Times has invited an actual public school teacher to participate in their upcoming "Schools of Tomorrow" conference.

Elaine Doctris, who teaches fifth graders at PS 800 in Queens, is the chosen one. "I'm honored and a little confused," she confessed.  "I mean they've never asked a public school teacher to speak before. I hope it isn't a mistake."

According to Kirstie Hepburn, one of the event's organizers, picking Ms. Doctris was no mistake. "We used New York City's Teacher Data Release to obtain the names of public school teachers. Then we dumped all the names into a giant hat and picked one. You know, kind of like 'The Hunger Games.'"

Teachers are infamous for slowing up corporate-driven discussion panels by providing facts, suggesting methods be tested before implementation and by sharing real life experiences. So why did the Times have a change of heart and include an educator? Ms. Hepburn admitted, "Teachers are really good at whining and frankly we just got tired of them complaining on their blogs about not being included at this event."

While incessant whining may have finally resulted in a begrudging invitation, it is still unclear if Ms. Doctris will attend.  "I really want to go but it's on a Thursday, during the day, at the beginning of the school year.  I'm not sure it's fair to my students," she explained. May the odds be always in your favor, Elaine.

In related news, the New York Times is also reportedly toying with the idea of inviting practicing physicians to its annual "Future of Medicine" conference. Scheduled speakers to this event currently include: GlaxoSmithKline CEO Andrew Witty, Pfizer Chairman of the Board and CEO Ian Read and celebrity/oxycontin user Rush Limbaugh.

Reality Alert: Interested in how we came to write this? Read The Jose Vilson blog and see Schools of Tomorrow speakers list.

Grin and Bear It: Teachers Paddled in Texas

Laredo - A New York Times editorial entitled, "Carrots and Sticks for Schools" called for rewards for "good teachers while easing chronic low performers out of the system."  What they apparently didn't know is that a small charter school in Texas beat them to it - literally.

"When the principal first told me to bend over and accept the paddling, I thought he had lost his mind," recounts Jeremy Finn of Harmony Science Academy in Laredo.  "But now I understand and can even see that he was right.  When my students do well on tests, I get rewarded with coupons for food." And when they don't?  Finn bows his head and recites, "Well then I haven't done my job and deserve to be paddled."

Food coupons entitle teachers and their families to eat for free at local eateries such as Sonic Drive-in, the Corn House and Posh Sushi Express. Fifth grade teacher Mary Robinson, who amazingly hasn't had a student fail a test in three years, speaks very highly of the program. "I'm uncertified so I get paid less than other teachers and the coupons really help my family make ends meet."

"The system works for us," smiled James McFadden principal of Harmony while brandishing an long wooden paddle.  "Usually I only have to swat a teacher once and then they learn to get those kids to pass the test but fast....or they quit."

Turnover has been high at Harmony with more than 75% of teachers leaving during the 2011-2012 school year, the year the school first began sticking it to teachers.  However, with only minor improvements in the economy, many educators feel they have little choice but to grin and bear it. Last year, turnover was just over 40% and McFadden thinks that number will go down farther still.  "As long as you hire young teachers, they don't know any better."  As for the older ones who have hung around, principal McFadden has his own theory, "I think we have a few staffers who like it."

The paddles were paid for by a generous grant from the Walton Foundation while a soothing balm is distributed courtesy of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.

Reality Alert: Interested in how we came to write this? Read NYTimes here.