White Suburban Moms Declared A Terrorist Group

Anti-Common Core terrorism will not be tolerated

Washington D.C. - Citing national security concerns, "white suburban moms" have been classified as a terrorist group.

The announcement was made by Secretary of State John Kerry at a press conference held late Sunday evening. In an unusual move, Kerry stood alongside Secretary of Education Arne Duncan who was a key player in the decision. "It has been well-established that the poor state of public education is a grave national security risk. Given that the Common Core Standards (CCS) are the only acceptable solution to this security crisis and given that a good deal of the opposition to the CCS comes from these mothers, it has become obvious that the White Suburban Moms (WSM) are a threat to our national security."

Several reporters expressed concern that the administration's position was extreme. Duncan responded, "Unusual? Yes. Extreme? No. Have you seen these women when they attack? They are a voracious group. New York State Education Commissioner John King has tried to engage them on several occasions and each time he barely escaped with his life."

Although President Obama has not yet asked Congress for a declaration of war on the WSM, Secretary Kerry wouldn't rule it out. "We are looking to end this peaceably but at the same time, we are keeping all our options open.  In many ways, it reminds me of of Syria."

Asked if the moms who voiced complaints about the Common Core would be considered enemy combatants, Kerry looked at Duncan who responded, "Perhaps."

One such potential enemy combatant is Mary Bellmar of Long Island, New York. Mother of three and a part-time real estate agent, Mary began to grow concerned about the new standards when her sixth grade daughter declared that she hated school. "I spoke to her teacher about it and the woman told me the new standards coupled with testing pressures have led many students to make the same declaration. So I decided to get involved."

She began attending local school board and PTA meetings. "I spoke out against the Common Core Standards because they are untested. Is the government going to come after me for voicing my opinion?"

As if in response to Mary's concerns, Kerry closed his press conference with these words, "We are willing to negotiate with the WSM but we are not against using force if necessary. The Common Core will not be stopped. And these moms should know that Guantanamo Bay is capable of handling thousands of detainees if it comes to that. We're hoping, of course, that it won't come to that but well you never know."

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Go to: Arne Duncan: 'White Suburban Moms' Upset That Common Core Shows Their Kids Aren't 'Brilliant' and U.S. Education Reform and National Security 

The Haunted School

The Michelle Rhee room proves scary
for both children and adults

New York City - Outside of P.S. 129 in the Bronx is a sign written in chalk on an old blackboard that invites children and adults to "Brave the haunted halls of education reform....if you dare." But if you plan on accepting the chilling invitation to enter, be prepared to wait a while because this modern take on a haunted house is so popular that getting inside can take as long as two hours.

The brainchild of PTA president Molly Shannon has been raking in thousands and thousands of dollars. "We do something like this every year to raise money for the school. But this year the response has just been incredible. We've made more money on our first weekend than we did all last year." The idea came to Shannon when she overheard a conversation between some teachers. "They were talking about how frightening all the changes in education were. Basically it just mushroomed from there."

Governor Cuomo is pro-death penalty for schools

So what exactly is so scary about the Haunted School? To find out, my husband, our two children and I decided to enter at our "own risk."

Upon entering the school, we were greeted by a robot-like coed sporting a Teach for America t-shirt and a forced smile. She promised to guide us through the house but one minute later she mysteriously disappeared and we entered the first leg of our tour without her. Jarring though that was, it was nothing compared to what awaited us. Without warning, "Michelle Rhee" leapt at our oldest child trying to tape his mouth shut. As my son cowered behind me, she threatened to remove my tenure while menacing me with a copy of the Common Core. As we escaped into the hallway, a new TFA guide greeted us. We asked him what happened to our old guide to which he cryptically replied, "She moved on."

In the next room, "Executioner Andrew Cuomo" threatened to execute our school if it failed to make Adequate Yearly Progress. "AYP," Cuomo screamed as he brandished his axe. That made my little girl cry so we stepped into the hall for a breather. Yet another new TFA guide got her some water. She too had no idea what had happened to our previous guides. "Change is good," she said to no one in particular.

Common Core bubble tests prove to
be the most frightening thing of all

Two kids were crying outside the room we next approached. One of them sniffled, "Please don't make me go back in there." What lurked inside? The scariest thing of all, a standardized test hanging from a corporate shill was enough to make both my children ask to go home. So unfortunately, I cannot tell you about the other terrible things that lay in wait for you at the Haunted School.

On a funny note, as we were looking for the exit (our guide had abandoned us again) we wandered into what we thought was a roomful of zombie children but it turned out they were actual kids just preparing for the specialized high school exam.

The haunted school is open daily from 4pm - 10pm. Admission is $5.00 for children under 12 and $10.00 for adults. There is also a hay ride, pumpkin patch and an Arne Duncan clown who hilariously attempts to juggle ethics and money.

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Go to: Michelle Rhee talks about taping students' mouths shut and Gov. Cuomo: Schools that fail deserve the death penalty

Common Core: Education Aberrations

Please note: This is NOT satire. 

Visited a school the other day and saw this:
How did China's command economy change in the 1980's?

To which grade was this question addressed?
Third grade, which for most kids is 8 years old. Any answer they give will only be a parrotting of what the teacher said. It will not reflect any true understanding on the part of these young students. How could it? 

It is a perfect example of the crap they pass off as education today. More difficult work does NOT automatically mean more learning - particularly when it is not cognitively appropriate. If it were otherwise, then kindergarteners should write theses.

Please share your own Common Core aberrations of education.

Over the Educational Cliff

Washington D.C. - In an unusual moment of candor for a politician, U.S. Senator LaLa Verdad of New York sent this letter to her constituents yesterday:

"Louise, no matter what happens, I'm glad I came with you."

Lately my office has been receiving communication from constituents about the state of education. Some of you have expressed annoyance over the frequency and length of the tests your child has had to take. Some of you were surprised to find out that the teacher you and your child love has been deemed "ineffective" as determined by value-added measures. A few of you were worried that the government maintains decades of data on your child. Some of you are angry that the unproven Common Core is forcing teachers to robotically deliver lessons and demanding six-year-olds read oodles of non-fiction. My question to you is: where the hell were you people as our children went over the "educational cliff?"

I know, I know you didn't realize all these "reforms" were effecting your kid or your school district so you didn't care. Well now that it's dawned on you that it is your kid and your district perhaps you will wake up and force me (and all your political leaders) to do something about it. I am, after all, largely your puppet. I display very little leadership on my own, preferring instead to form my opinions and choose my battles based on public opinion and advice from generous campaign donors.

So if I hear from Michelle Rhee and her well-financed political action committee (I mean 501(c)4 organization) Students First more than I hear from you, guess who I'm going to listen to? And if you are so uninformed that you think Students for Educational Reform is actually run by a grassroots band of students then you won't mind if I have a few drinks with their hedge fund-, charter school-affiliated, no hidden agenda here board of directors.

Our country drove over the educational cliff years ago with Michelle "Thelma" Rhee, Wendy "Louise" Kopp and a host of other bad drivers taking turns at the wheel. So if you'd like to hoist them from the driver's seat then you must act. Dear constituents, get your panties in a twist and let me know how No Child Left Behind, Race to the Top and now the Common Core standards have negatively altered the playing field for your American schoolchild. Because otherwise, I just don't give a shit.

To contact any member of Congress: Contacting the Congress

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Read Students for Education Reform and A Little OxyContin with that #Edreform? and Obama's Dreadful Education Agenda and Students for Education Reform and the War on Teachers

Vultures Reported at Area Schools

Police Blotter:
Police received several calls this week from concerned community members and several teachers who reported seeing vultures on the grounds of neighborhood schools.  Police investigated but made no arrests when it turned out it was just educational vendors hawking Common Core materials.

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Read Common Core Standards Boon to E-Learning Industry and Common Core: A Bonanza for E-Corps