What you are about to read is NOT real news. It is satire. Where possible we have provided links to the real stories/issues that inspire us at the bottom of each article.

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Showing posts with label cheating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cheating. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Teacher Suspended For Using Same Grading Policy As Her Employer

New York City - Seventh grade English Language Arts teacher Dianne Smith, who teaches at Brooklyn's Intermediate School 114, is facing disciplinary charges because of her grading policy. Her exact crime? She used the same grading policy for her students that the New York City Department of Education uses to provide grades to its schools.  

"I thought that if it was good enough for the DOE then it should be good enough for me," explained Ms. Smith over a cup of coffee at a diner near her school. Apparently not. After receiving numerous parental complaints, the DOE launched an investigation into Smith's grading policy and found it lacking. She has been suspended with pay while DOE officials scramble to determine how to handle the matter.

Parents objected to the idea that a pre-determined number of students would receive each grade; thus ensuring failures even if all students did exceedingly well on every student measure. For example, 30% of students had to receive an 'A' while 35% of students had to receive a 'B', 25% had to receive a 'C; while 10% were guaranteed a 'D' or 'F'

Perhaps more troubling, however, is the fact that in order to have 30% of students achieve an 'A', Ms. Smith lowered what qualified as such to include grades of 65 or higher - just like the DOE did for schools. The chart below details the grade range employed by both Smith and the DOE.

Grade      Score Range
  A            65 or  higher
  B            51.7 - 65.4 
  C            36.3 - 51.6 
  D            23.2 - 26.2 
  F             23.1 or lower

Ms. Smith, a thirty-something brunette with half-moon glasses propped on the tip of her nose, was shocked when parent complaints made their way from her ears to the principal's office and then into the corridors of the DOE. "I guess I was naive. Sure I thought the policy was wonky but I figured since none of the parents objected to the system being used to rate schools, then they wouldn't object to my using it to report on their children." Looking out the window, Smith sighed, "And I certainly never expected the DOE to object to its own practices."

When asked how they justified giving schools an 'A' that barely scored more than a 65, the DOE would only comment that it is their policy not to comment on on-going investigations. It remains unclear if the DOE would object to teachers utilizing this policy.


Reality Alert: 
Interested in how we came to write this? Go to If Teachers Ran Their Classes Like NYC Runs Schools Then... and I Don't Know About Art, But I Know What I Don't Like and  'A' For Awful As Top-Rated Middle Schools Fail To Prepare Kids For High School and The Stability and Fairness of New York City's School Ratings and Making the Grade in New York City and  NYC Progress Report page and click on "2011-2012 Progress Report Results for Elementary/Middle/K-8 Schools" at top of page. It will download an Excel spreadsheet. Compare the "2011- 2012 Overall Grade" column to the "2011-2012 Overall Score" column.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Invisibility Cloak: For All Your Testing Needs

Need to hide a few students for upcoming exams? Afraid your school's test scores will be dragged down by low-performing special education students? Certain the English Language Learners will fail to make annual yearly progress?  Will students with poor attendance impact your whole school with their lousy test performance?

Invisibility Cloak (IC) can help.

IC uses a two-prong approach to optimize your student testing population. With our first approach, undesirable test-takers will be encouraged through a series of pre-written letters, engaging videos and scripted counseling sessions to leave your school using three different scenarios. Package A urges students to pursue their GED; Package B gently suggests students transfer to a different school; and Package C advises students to exercise the dropout option. You choose the package that is most convenient for you.

IC's second approach uses state-of-the-art software technology to make your undesirable students vanish. With a simple click of a button, up to four hundred problem-students will simply disappear from your school roster. And once they're gone, your school should have no problems generating the positive test scores needed to satisfy No Child Left Behind requirements. Of course, you can restore them after testing is complete.

Success guaranteed.

Testimonials:
"IC is a life-saver. With just a small upfront investment, our school administrators were able to secure bonuses of more than $50,000 from the U.S. Department of Education because our test scores appeared to go up," - anonymous Texas principal.

"I wish they had offered this type of training a few years ago." - assistant principal Atlanta, Georgia.

"We all know it's a game and with IC's software, gaming the the system becomes child's play." - district superintendent, Florida.

Coming soon: On-line professional development course in how to help students pass high-stakes exams. Hear from our team of experts on optimal seating arrangement to facilitate answer exchange among students, when and where to host erasure parties and the effective use of hand signaling during multiple choice tests.

Reality Alert: 
Interested in how we came to write this? Read The Wicked Spawn of NCLB and El Paso School District Rebuilds After Fraudulent Testing Practices By Administrators


Thursday, August 2, 2012

Cheating on Exams: Teacher Colleges Offer New Course

This Just In...
Several teacher colleges are now offering classes designed to improve student exam scores the old fashioned way: by cheating.

"Yesterday we practiced coughing and saying the letter "B" at the same time," said Martha Whitely a fourth grade teacher at John Lindsey Public School in Staten Island.  "Next week we are going to learn how to seat students so they can share answers."

Fordham University's Dean of Education is pleased with the course's popularity.  "We have opened three sections of 'Cheating for Success' and we still can't meet demand," smiled Dean Dorothy Eppis.

When asked to comment, Mayor Bloomberg said he was glad to know that next year's math and ELA scores will be good ones.