Infraction Transaction: City To Fine Students For Misbehaving

New York City - Facing a shortfall of almost half a billion dollars because his administration failed to reach an agreement with city teachers over an evaluation system, Mayor Bloomberg has decided to borrow an idea from charter schools to raise funds for education. He's allowing NYC schools to fine students for violations of Department of Education policies.

Under new DOE rules, schools will collect
fines from unruly students

"The idea of there being consequences for actions is not a new one," said hizzoner on Friday at a press conference announcing the new program entitled, "Infraction Transaction." "It's just that this time, the consequences will contain a financial pinch. Beginning next year, students will be fined if they break school rules. While the amounts will be minimal, anywhere from a quarter to $5.00 per infraction, we expect the results will be tremendous."

When asked if he was worried that some students and their families might not be able to afford the fines, the billionaire laughingly scoffed, "Don't do the crime if you ain't got a dime."

Several administrators from schools that utilized financial deterrents as part of a pilot program were on hand to answer questions. They touted the idea but not because it effectively improved student behavior. Instead administrators praised the program as a great way to increase revenue. Assistant Principal Beau Argent of Midwood High School in Brooklyn explained, "Last year we couldn't afford to buy paper. But this year because of all the money we collected, we were able to buy an entire year's worth of paper and two new copy machines."

A bit of research also revealed that individual teachers had successfully used financial penalty systems in their classrooms for years. Mr. Dan Ero, who teaches American History at Lehman High School in the Bronx, credits its stringent implementation with enabling him to retire early.

"I demand a quarter for each rule infraction," explained Ero as he pointed to a jar half-filled with quarters. "I expected to retire after the 2019-2020 school year but because of this jar, I will be able to retire at the end of this year. I just wish I had thought of it sooner."

With a promise of maintaining their anonymity, two students voiced their dissatisfaction with Mr. Ero's costly consequences. "It used to kind of make sense, like put a quarter in the jar when you cursed or when you were late to school. Then it got stricter," complained one student.

"Now you have to kick in when you're out sick, when you use a pen instead of a pencil or when he thinks you're not paying attention. Last week I got fined because my shoes were untied."  noted another pupil.

Parent advocate and founder of the NYC Public School Parent blog, Leonie Haimson was not pleased with the new program. "The mayor continues to demonstrate the sensitivity of a skunk in a perfume factory when it comes to the needs of working families."

It what the city claims is unrelated news, Chancellor Dennis Walcott announced New York City public schools will implement a new stricter disciplinary code effective next year.

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Go to: Charter Discipline Policy Under Fire and Marsha Godard, Chicago Mother, Fined Over $3,000 For Son's Behavior At Noble Network Charter School

Where Have All The Instructional Days Gone?

Albany - An examination of the New York State testing schedule for this school year holds a surprise. For the first time in the state's history, more days will be spent on testing and test preparation than on actual instruction.

In any given month, there are approximately
eight instructional days

New York State's Education Commissioner John King held a press conference to confirm this unusual occurrence. "We acknowledge that given the number of days for benchmark assessments, the National Assessment of Educational Progress, state tests, mid-terms, finals, exams for English Language Learners and those taking alternative assessments, unit tests, make-up days for those who were absent and given that teachers typically use the weeks before a high-stakes exam for test preparation, that for the first time in New York State history there are actually fewer instructional days than testing days."

Asked if he saw anything wrong with requiring more testing than teaching, Commissioner King responded, "I don't really give a crap. My children attend private school."

The president of New York State's largest teachers union, the United Federation of Teachers, Michael Mulgrew issued this statement, "In response to the shifting job responsibilities of our membership, we have changed our name to the United Federation of Test Administers. We want to reassure our membership that the UFTA will continue to work to protect their rights and to defend public education." When someone in the crowd snorted, Mulgrew had him forcibly removed.

Outside of PS 61 in Brooklyn, ten-year-old Aaron Bossier was asked how he felt about the new schedule. "I used to like school. We went on trips and did fun projects. Now it's all bundles and tests, bundles and tests.  Aren't we going to learn anything?"

Have You Heard The One About....

...the woman who enrolled her child in a new school?  After the principal welcomed them to the learning community, the mother made a request, "It is very important to me that my child have a first year teacher."

The principal responded with a nod, "We have several first year teachers on staff."

The woman continued, "And can you guarantee that my child will get the teacher who has received the least amount of preparation for the job?"

"Um, two of our new teachers only attended five weeks of training this summer," the confused principal replied.

"Wonderful," the woman answered. "And of those two teachers, would you please ensure that my child gets the one who is most likely to leave the profession?"

The puzzled principal hesitated for a moment, "I'm afraid they will both probably leave teaching in two to three years."

"Well then either one will do," the satisfied mother smiled.

"While I'm glad you are satisfied, I must say your request is an unusual one. May I ask why you would want the teacher who is least experienced, least trained and least likely to stay in the profession?"

The woman smiled knowingly, "Oh that's easy. Michelle Rhee said they make the best teachers."

The Four R's

Wayne LaPiere addressing the press

Fairfax, Virginia - Wayne LaPierre, Executive Vice President and CEO of the National Rifle Association has devised a plan to prevent further gun violence at our nation's schools. At a press conference at the NRA's headquarters in Fairfax, Virginia, LaPierre urged arming students. "More guns equals less crime," began LaPierre, echoing the headline of his November 27th commentary. "Therefore, it just seems logical that this tragedy could have been prevented if the students had been armed. Our schools need to become a center for the four Rs: reading, writing, arithmetic and rifles. "

Maria Heil, NRA board member, who spoke only briefly as she was having difficulty removing blood from under her fingernails, added, "Many weapons are perfectly designed for small hands. My daughter owns a Colt .380 with a "Hello Kitty" grip. I think good mothers arm their children."

David Keene, President of the NRA, recounted the days when he used to bring a shotgun to school and described how his organization envisions the future. "We could start by teaching gun safety in pre-K. We would then incorporate target practice into the school day. Finally once a kid has passed both a performance-based and standardized test on how to handle and fire a gun, we would equip him or her with a weapon. It's totally a win-win situation. Plus I bet it would put an end to school-yard bullying."

The NRA representatives could not answer questions about funding of such a vast undertaking. When asked about the results from any studies investigating the efficacy of such a plan, LaPierre retorted angrily, "Nobody asked David Coleman for his studies," referencing the whole cloth adoption of the Common Core standards without data evidencing their effectiveness.

LaPierre ended the press conference with these impassioned words, "The NRA is not going to surrender, submit or succumb to the extremists in our society who want to regulate our right to bear arms. We too want to prevent gun violence and we think arming children is part of that solution."

When reached for comment, filmmaker Michael Moore, a well-known advocate for stronger gun-control laws, said, "Put guns IN schools? Are you shitting me?"

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Go to the White House's website for petitions or the NRA website or Meet the NRA.

Over the Educational Cliff

Washington D.C. - In an unusual moment of candor for a politician, U.S. Senator LaLa Verdad of New York sent this letter to her constituents yesterday:

"Louise, no matter what happens, I'm glad I came with you."

Lately my office has been receiving communication from constituents about the state of education. Some of you have expressed annoyance over the frequency and length of the tests your child has had to take. Some of you were surprised to find out that the teacher you and your child love has been deemed "ineffective" as determined by value-added measures. A few of you were worried that the government maintains decades of data on your child. Some of you are angry that the unproven Common Core is forcing teachers to robotically deliver lessons and demanding six-year-olds read oodles of non-fiction. My question to you is: where the hell were you people as our children went over the "educational cliff?"

I know, I know you didn't realize all these "reforms" were effecting your kid or your school district so you didn't care. Well now that it's dawned on you that it is your kid and your district perhaps you will wake up and force me (and all your political leaders) to do something about it. I am, after all, largely your puppet. I display very little leadership on my own, preferring instead to form my opinions and choose my battles based on public opinion and advice from generous campaign donors.

So if I hear from Michelle Rhee and her well-financed political action committee (I mean 501(c)4 organization) Students First more than I hear from you, guess who I'm going to listen to? And if you are so uninformed that you think Students for Educational Reform is actually run by a grassroots band of students then you won't mind if I have a few drinks with their hedge fund-, charter school-affiliated, no hidden agenda here board of directors.

Our country drove over the educational cliff years ago with Michelle "Thelma" Rhee, Wendy "Louise" Kopp and a host of other bad drivers taking turns at the wheel. So if you'd like to hoist them from the driver's seat then you must act. Dear constituents, get your panties in a twist and let me know how No Child Left Behind, Race to the Top and now the Common Core standards have negatively altered the playing field for your American schoolchild. Because otherwise, I just don't give a shit.

To contact any member of Congress: Contacting the Congress

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Read Students for Education Reform and A Little OxyContin with that #Edreform? and Obama's Dreadful Education Agenda and Students for Education Reform and the War on Teachers

Election Results: Public Education Loses

New York City - From their broadcast studios at 30 Rockefeller Center in New York City, MSNBC called the presidential election only one minute after polls had closed on election night. At 9:01pm EST, Rachel Maddow announced that public education had lost. "With only 1% of precincts reporting, MSNBC can confirm with a 0% margin of error that public education has lost." Citing the 100% likelihood that either President Obama or Mitt Romney would win Maddow said, "Given that both candidates support policies that promote privatization of education while ignoring fundamental flaws in our economic system that perpetuate childhoods spent in poverty, we are confident in declaring public education a loser this evening."

Comments on the loss came from many circles. NBC broadcaster Brian Williams expressed relief, "I was afraid we might have to actually invite some public school teachers to next year's Education Nation but with this defeat, it is clear we can continue to pander to the union-crushing corporate privatizing agenda." Randi Weingarten, president of the American Federation of Teachers, issued this statement, "No matter who wins, we will semi-respectfully hold our nose to work with him." Michelle Rhee, CEO of Students First, was too drunk to comment, having begun her celebratory consumption of libations some time in October.

Not Our Usual Fare

We know you come to this site for a laugh but some things are just NOT funny. Here's a non-satirical editorial from Students Last.
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How nice to be told by the presidential candidates, during their last debate, that they "love teachers." Too bad it's bullshit, like the flowers a woman gets the day after her abuser gives her a black eye. And it's not just the candidates who are "loving" teachers to death. America itself has, at least as of late, quite the abusive relationship with teachers - claiming to love teachers but repeatedly disrespecting them in a myriad of ways. What teachers need is fewer meaningless words and a helluva a lot more deeds of respect.

When teachers tell you that standardized testing is robbing instructional time, narrowing curriculum and encouraging cheating but you act like their concerns are a ploy to avoid accountability, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When you hold education conferences and there are no public school teachers on the panel but there are five CEO's, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When the solution to turning around a failing school is to fire half the staff, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When you accuse teacher unions of protecting child molesters, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When teachers tell you that generational poverty hangs over the lives of their students like an impenetrable fog dampening desire, fostering anger, distracting young minds and you think they are making excuses, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When you refer to teachers as "professionals" but then dilute their ranks with those who have ten-watts of enthusiasm and five-weeks of training, shoving them into the neediest schools where they cut their teaching teeth on defenseless children, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When the most well-known names in education today are people who taught for three years or....never, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When, despite teachers' knowledgeable objections, your idea of measuring teaching and learning is to administer more and more flawed bubble exams to younger and younger students, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When you laud the test results of charter schools that cherry pick their students, receive extraordinary private funding, create an aura of fear with high suspension rates coupled with the expulsion of under-performing students, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

When those who make policy send their children to private schools while shoveling mounds of unvetted nonsense onto the overburdened shoulders of public schools, you are NOT showing love to teachers.

Perpetrators of domestic abuse tell their victims they love them and moments later clench their fists, preparing to strike another blow. So candidates, so America, hold onto your amorous bouquets and stop mouthing words you clearly do not mean or understand.

"Love" us less. Respect us a helluva a lot more.