"Bagel Summit" for Randi and Campbell?

Washington D.C. - American Federation of Teachers President Randi Weingarten and former CNN journalist Campbell Brown received an unexpected invitation today from President Barack Obama. At a press conference, Obama invited both women to the White House for “some bagels and lox” (a nod to the fact that both women are Jews or have lived in New York City we don’t know which).  He expressed his hope that the “Bagel Summit” would "cool things off between the two."

The women have been digitally feuding since Ms. Brown charged, in a Wall Street Journal piece, that teacher unions allow sexual predators to stay in the classroom.  Ms. Weingarten shot back that this was nonsense, citing both the language of the UFT/NYC contract and the Fourth Amendment. The two then exchanged battling tweets for 48-hours. The Twitter war caught the eye of some in the beltway, including Politico and the Washington Post. Thus bringing it to the president's attention.

“The fact that it [the Twitter war] has garnered so much attention is a testimony to the fact that this is a sensitive issue,” the President said.  “They are both outstanding people who just, you know, lost their goddamn minds." Asked to comment on the President’s words, Weingarten said, “Well one of us is outstanding.”

The invitation has its critics. Michelle Rhee suggested that the summit might have a negative impact on education reform.  “Quite frankly, we don’t want union leaders to be seen eating in public. It is not in our best interests that they be perceived as human.”

At last report, neither Campbell nor Weingarten had accepted the president's offer.

Reality Alert: Interested in how we came to write this? Read Sara Jaffe here.

NYC Charter School Accepts First High Needs Student

Press Release: NYC DOE
Joining the ranks of Jackie Robinson and Rosa Parks, ten-year-old Brandon Martinez struck a blow for educational civil rights this week when he became the first special needs student accepted for enrollment by a NYC charter school.  "I'm excited for this opportunity," the boy smiled naively.

Amid growing evidence that some charter schools weed out children they presume will underperform on high stakes examinations, Profit Is Power Charter School (PIP) admitted Brandon to its program. PIP, which shares space with eight other public schools in a building in Brooklyn's Red Hook neighborhood, is excited to have him.  "We look forward to the challenge and to counseling him out in a few months," smiled Dick Hatch, founder and Chief Executive Officer of PIP.

Got Wood? If You're a Male Student In LA, You Better Hope Not

Louisiana - Caving into pressure from the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), the Delhi Charter School in Louisiana has apparently backed away from its policy of forcing female students to take pregnancy tests and then expelling them if the tests are positive.  After receiving a letter from the ACLU stating the practice was "unconstitutional" and threatening further legal action, the school reversed its policy.

Instead, the school is now seeking to attack the problem at its root (so to speak).  According to a statement released by the school today, male students who get an erection during school hours will be asked to take a daily dose of potassium nitrate, aka salterpeter, to be administered by the school nurse.  If the student refuses to take the chemical compound, which is thought to induce impotence, he can be expelled.  The ACLU is examining the new practice.  "We may have to go after this one too," said Marjorie Esman who has the thankless job of being the Executive Director of the ACLU in Louisiana.

Teacher administrator Nicki Roaark had no comment about the use of saltpeter but lots of the seventh grade male students did.  However, due to the content of their language, none of those comments are publishable.

Reality Alert: Interested in how we came to write this? Read real story here.

Ravitch Home Raided

Police Blotter - New York
Police personnel from the Critical Incident Unit broke into education historian Diane Ravitch's home after she failed to Tweet or blog for a full forty-five minutes yesterday.

"Our department received numerous 911 calls from concerned followers of Ravitch's Twitter and blog accounts, so we had to respond," explained Captain Mark Deral.

It turns out the outspoken critic of educational policies such as high-stakes testing was merely taking a nap.  "She was very surprised to see us while we were mostly relieved." Deral said.

Through a spokesperson, Ravitch said she would try to be more vigilant in her communication.

Grin and Bear It: Teachers Paddled in Texas

Laredo - A New York Times editorial entitled, "Carrots and Sticks for Schools" called for rewards for "good teachers while easing chronic low performers out of the system."  What they apparently didn't know is that a small charter school in Texas beat them to it - literally.

"When the principal first told me to bend over and accept the paddling, I thought he had lost his mind," recounts Jeremy Finn of Harmony Science Academy in Laredo.  "But now I understand and can even see that he was right.  When my students do well on tests, I get rewarded with coupons for food." And when they don't?  Finn bows his head and recites, "Well then I haven't done my job and deserve to be paddled."

Food coupons entitle teachers and their families to eat for free at local eateries such as Sonic Drive-in, the Corn House and Posh Sushi Express. Fifth grade teacher Mary Robinson, who amazingly hasn't had a student fail a test in three years, speaks very highly of the program. "I'm uncertified so I get paid less than other teachers and the coupons really help my family make ends meet."

"The system works for us," smiled James McFadden principal of Harmony while brandishing an long wooden paddle.  "Usually I only have to swat a teacher once and then they learn to get those kids to pass the test but fast....or they quit."

Turnover has been high at Harmony with more than 75% of teachers leaving during the 2011-2012 school year, the year the school first began sticking it to teachers.  However, with only minor improvements in the economy, many educators feel they have little choice but to grin and bear it. Last year, turnover was just over 40% and McFadden thinks that number will go down farther still.  "As long as you hire young teachers, they don't know any better."  As for the older ones who have hung around, principal McFadden has his own theory, "I think we have a few staffers who like it."

The paddles were paid for by a generous grant from the Walton Foundation while a soothing balm is distributed courtesy of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.

Reality Alert: Interested in how we came to write this? Read NYTimes here.

Vultures Reported at Area Schools

Police Blotter:
Police received several calls this week from concerned community members and several teachers who reported seeing vultures on the grounds of neighborhood schools.  Police investigated but made no arrests when it turned out it was just educational vendors hawking Common Core materials.

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Read Common Core Standards Boon to E-Learning Industry and Common Core: A Bonanza for E-Corps

Sit Down for Education

Press Release:
Recognizing the needs of lazy Americans, Michelle Rhee and Jonah Edelman have announced they are forming a new organization to be called, "Sit Down for Education."  It will align its efforts with Edelman's other organization, Stand Up for Education.

At a press conference on Wednesday, the self-important Ms. Rhee explained, "Many Americans would like to support our efforts to blindly make educational changes without checking for efficacy but they have complained that they just don't want to make the effort. With our new organization, they can Tweet and sign on-line petitions from the comfort of their own beds."

Mr. Edelman, most famous for disappointing his civil rights advocating mother, continued, "Now lazy people can also participate in over-simplifying complex issues and maligning educators without the unnecessary effort of having to get up, learn about the topics or understand what they're talking about."

Joel Klein, who will serve on the board of Sit Down for Education, praised Rhee, "I was gobsmacked when she shared this idea with me." Conversely, Marian Wright Edelman refused to comment on her son's efforts to privatize public education through the joint efforts of powerful financiers and weak-minded politicians, "I have nothing to say about that young man."