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Sunday, November 17, 2013

White Suburban Moms Declared A Terrorist Group

Anti-Common Core terrorism will not be tolerated
Washington D.C. - Citing national security concerns, "white suburban moms" have been classified as a terrorist group.

The announcement was made by Secretary of State John Kerry at a press conference held late Sunday evening. In an unusual move, Kerry stood alongside Secretary of Education Arne Duncan who was a key player in the decision. "It has been well-established that the poor state of public education is a grave national security risk. Given that the Common Core Standards (CCS) are the only acceptable solution to this security crisis and given that a good deal of the opposition to the CCS comes from these mothers, it has become obvious that the White Suburban Moms (WSM) are a threat to our national security."

Several reporters expressed concern that the administration's position was extreme. Duncan responded, "Unusual? Yes. Extreme? No. Have you seen these women when they attack? They are a voracious group. New York State Education Commissioner John King has tried to engage them on several occasions and each time he barely escaped with his life."

Although President Obama has not yet asked Congress for a declaration of war on the WSM, Secretary Kerry wouldn't rule it out. "We are looking to end this peaceably but at the same time, we are keeping all our options open.  In many ways, it reminds me of of Syria."

Asked if the moms who voiced complaints about the Common Core would be considered enemy combatants, Kerry looked at Duncan who responded, "Perhaps."

One such potential enemy combatant is Mary Bellmar of Long Island, New York. Mother of three and a part-time real estate agent, Mary began to grow concerned about the new standards when her sixth grade daughter declared that she hated school. "I spoke to her teacher about it and the woman told me the new standards coupled with testing pressures have led many students to make the same declaration. So I decided to get involved."

She began attending local school board and PTA meetings. "I spoke out against the Common Core Standards because they are untested. Is the government going to come after me for voicing my opinion?"

As if in response to Mary's concerns, Kerry closed his press conference with these words, "We are willing to negotiate with the WSM but we are not against using force if necessary. The Common Core will not be stopped. And these moms should know that Guantanamo Bay is capable of handling thousands of detainees if it comes to that. We're hoping, of course, that it won't come to that but well you never know."

Reality Alert: 


  1. It may be satire, but it feels like the U.S. government Is waging a war against teachers, students, and public schools with their punitive measures for those who don't measure up in their minds. WSM have every right to speak-up. Let All the moms out there speak out. They our harming our kids.

  2. Not just white suburban moms.. all moms expect more of our education system.

  3. Nice Satire!! This is funny, yet sad at the same time. I wish more people would wake up.

  4. So if teachers agree with Suburban Moms are they now co-conspirators? One teacher talks tot he New York Commissioner of Education:
    "We are abusing children. There is now a common core syndrome. If that is not child abuse I don't know what is.

    I was judged as highly effective. You are ineffective. 70% of the children in this state failed your test.

    I'm not sure you are hearing.So what I'm going to tell you is-- because you have awoken the mommies, you are in trouble. Hundreds of thousands of mommies are going to pull out this form and they are not going to have their children take the test. Because mommies in new york do not abuse their children and they are not going to let bullies do that either."