The Four R's

Wayne LaPiere addressing the press

Fairfax, Virginia - Wayne LaPierre, Executive Vice President and CEO of the National Rifle Association has devised a plan to prevent further gun violence at our nation's schools. At a press conference at the NRA's headquarters in Fairfax, Virginia, LaPierre urged arming students. "More guns equals less crime," began LaPierre, echoing the headline of his November 27th commentary. "Therefore, it just seems logical that this tragedy could have been prevented if the students had been armed. Our schools need to become a center for the four Rs: reading, writing, arithmetic and rifles. "

Maria Heil, NRA board member, who spoke only briefly as she was having difficulty removing blood from under her fingernails, added, "Many weapons are perfectly designed for small hands. My daughter owns a Colt .380 with a "Hello Kitty" grip. I think good mothers arm their children."

David Keene, President of the NRA, recounted the days when he used to bring a shotgun to school and described how his organization envisions the future. "We could start by teaching gun safety in pre-K. We would then incorporate target practice into the school day. Finally once a kid has passed both a performance-based and standardized test on how to handle and fire a gun, we would equip him or her with a weapon. It's totally a win-win situation. Plus I bet it would put an end to school-yard bullying."

The NRA representatives could not answer questions about funding of such a vast undertaking. When asked about the results from any studies investigating the efficacy of such a plan, LaPierre retorted angrily, "Nobody asked David Coleman for his studies," referencing the whole cloth adoption of the Common Core standards without data evidencing their effectiveness.

LaPierre ended the press conference with these impassioned words, "The NRA is not going to surrender, submit or succumb to the extremists in our society who want to regulate our right to bear arms. We too want to prevent gun violence and we think arming children is part of that solution."

When reached for comment, filmmaker Michael Moore, a well-known advocate for stronger gun-control laws, said, "Put guns IN schools? Are you shitting me?"

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Go to the White House's website for petitions or the NRA website or Meet the NRA.