Common Core: Education Aberrations

Please note: This is NOT satire. 

Visited a school the other day and saw this:
How did China's command economy change in the 1980's?

To which grade was this question addressed?
Third grade, which for most kids is 8 years old. Any answer they give will only be a parrotting of what the teacher said. It will not reflect any true understanding on the part of these young students. How could it? 

It is a perfect example of the crap they pass off as education today. More difficult work does NOT automatically mean more learning - particularly when it is not cognitively appropriate. If it were otherwise, then kindergarteners should write theses.

Please share your own Common Core aberrations of education.

This Test Brought To You By....

McDonalds is just one of many
 corporations interested in the program 

Albany, NY - Responding to budget cuts, officials at New York State's Education Department unveiled a new program for public schools that has the potential to raise millions of dollars - product placement. At a press conference on Friday inside the newly named "Staples Building," Commissioner of Education Dr. John King was all smiles as he described the novel program. "With a nod to the movie-making industry and the recognition that many of our school districts are financially strapped, we have decided to allow corporations to place their product names in state and local tests administered to students throughout the year."

As described by Commissioner King, the program works much as it does in Hollywood, with corporations paying for the right to have their name (or a product's name) featured prominently during a movie or in this case, an exam. The program has already been tested at several schools around the state, including on this year's Common Core English Language Arts exam. "Oh sure, somebody always complains about something," responded King to a question about selling the state's young to the highest bidder. "But we need the money and the kids are so used to advertising anyhow. They probably won't even notice."

Students at the Frank Sinatra School of the Arts in Queens, which was part of the pilot program, may or may not have noticed that their eighth grade science exam featured several questions "bought" by corporations. For instance, one of the questions prodded students to, "Name a carnivore you see in this drawing." The drawing showed an idyllic pond surrounded by trees and animals such as hawks, deer, fish and a bear. In the background was a factory bearing the name, "Union Carbide."

Another question was sponsored by energy company Con Edison which paid to have its name placed on the roof of a building in a diagram of an electric power plant built next to a river. The accompanying question read, "Describe one positive impact on this type of power plant on the environment." Later Con Ed CEO Kevin Burke admitted that the company doesn't actually operate a single dam.

Other companies wove their product placements in more subtly. For example, one question related to the sexual reproduction of rabbits, featured a footnote that read, "Offspring can be prevented with the use of protection." Although the company's name was not present, Dr. King revealed that Church and Dwight Company, which produces Trojan condoms, had paid for that footnote.

"Sometimes a company wants to put out a message but not have their name directly affiliated with that message and we're o.k. with that," explained King. Though the Commissioner was all smiles at the press conference, there have been some hitches.

Commissioner King enthusiastically
described the program.

An anonymous source at New York's Education Department revealed that Walmart was hoping to sponsor the United States History and Government Regents Examination. However, the company objected to the number and nature of questions related to the rise of labor unions. The state refused to change the questions on the test but a spokesperson said that they might reconsider for next year's exam, "If the price was right." And Walmart wasn't the only disappointed corporation. Although R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company negotiated for days with an elementary school in Somers, NY, they were unable to convince officials to place sunglasses on the picture of a camel which accompanied a story about the desert on a third grade English exam.

Still King is enthusiastic about the program's potential. "It could raise an enormous amount of money for some really strapped schools." He gleefully pointed out that Citicorp, Goldman Sachs and AIG are currently in a "very competitive bidding war" to gain the rights to sponsor every exam given at Stuyvesant High School, located in the financial district. "I think they see a natural affiliation with the student body," commented King. "I have instructed my staff that their top priority is to speed and facilitate negotiations between interested parties so that we can see the results on this year's tests and of course in our budgets."

When asked if he saw anything ironic in Dunkin' Donuts sponsoring the final exam for a Mt. Vernon High School class entitled, "Nutrition for the 21st Century," Commissioner King said he would not make such judgments. "Our attitude is that everything is open for discussion."

Several corporation heads were also on hand to answer questions from reporters including, Pepsico's CEO Indra Nooyi. She described the opportunity as, "a marketing dream." "Getting our message out to young people when they are in an excited state, as they most certainly are during an exam, is giving us the chance to create a mental tattoo for our brand." Pepsico paid an undisclosed amount to place their Frito Lay brand throughout the health class midterms at Niagra Falls High School.

Although not yet sponsors, the Education Department admitted that they are currently in negotiation with several high profile companies including: Anheuser-Busch, ExxonMobil, Dow Chemical, BP Global and Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation.

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Go to New Standardized Tests Feature Plugs for Commercial Products and Learn ABC's - & IBM's. 

Queen Bee's Radical Promotions

New York City - As we've previously reported, Michelle Rhee has been garnering publicity for her book "Radical" by engaging in unusual stunts around media outlet rich New York City. Today's stunt placed Ms. Rhee at the Barnes and Noble on Broadway and 82nd Street where she swallowed bumble bees at the rate of two every ten seconds. While this may seem like an odd way to garner attention for a book, HarperCollins, the book's publisher, reminded us that Ms. Rhee gained respect from her first class by swatting and then swallowing a bee in front of them. You can't make this stuff up, folks (well maybe just a little bit).

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Go to: The Michelle Rhee You Don't Know and Michelle Rhee's Book is a Huge Failure

Cherry-picking: It Isn't Just For Fruit Anymore

Philadelphia - Global Alliance Charter School is scrambling today to respond to questions from the School District of Philadelphia about its complicated and some say overbearing application process.

Should charter schools be allowed
to have barriers to admission?

The application, which is more than 10-pages in length, requires  a 3,000-word essay, responses to 20 short-answer questions, proof of citizenship for the child and parents, three recommendations, and an interview. Additionally, parents of Global applicants have to complete a lengthy obstacle course which includes:  outrunning a pack of wild dogs, scaling an 8-foot fence, bench pressing their own body weight and trying to stay awake while watching, "Won't Back Down" (a movie about turning a public school into a charter school).

"I thought I could do it," explained Marlena Johnson, a parent who failed to complete the application process. "I knew the dogs would be tough but what I didn't count on was that movie. I fell asleep ten minutes into it."

Does cherry-picking students
lead to higher test scores?

Charter schools have come under frequent criticism from several sources, most notably teacher unions, for their admission process which weeds out "undesirable" children. Exactly who are the "undesirable" students? Those notorious for bringing down test scores such as English language learners, children from troubled or disinterested homes and those with special needs.

"These barriers to admission are a disgrace. More people got around the Berlin Wall than manage to get into these charter schools," complained Jerry T. Jordan, president of the Philadelphia Federation of Teachers. "And then people want to know why those schools perform better on standardized tests. It's because they rig the system - cherry-picking students."

Asked to explain why the process to get into a so-called public charter school was so difficult, Global's founder and Chief Executive Officer Ronald Mulla had this to say, "We stand by our application process. After all, it's called 'school-choice' for a reason. Our school is merely choosing which students are admitted."

Meanwhile just down the street from Global sits Andrew Jackson Elementary a real public school. It requires just three things before admitting a student: proof of address, age and vaccinations. "Basically we take everyone who comes through the door. We believe it's what public education is meant to do," said naive principal Mike Larts. Asked if he thought the application process might in some part be responsible for Global besting his students on last year's state exams, Mr. Larts shook his head, "I don't know, but it sure is hard to win the beauty contest when you've got all the ugly kids."

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Go to: Special Report: Class Struggle - How Charter Schools Get Students They Want and Green Woods Charter School and Others In Philadelphia Boast Questionable Application Processes

Time To Be Cruelty-Free

Unlike school children, lab rats
enjoy some protection from testing

Virginia – Well-known for their anti-fur advertisements featuring naked celebrities, this week People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) came out against another type of testing – standardized testing of students. At a press conference on Wednesday held at their Norfolk headquarters a spokesperson articulated the organization’s position as follows:

As most people know, PETA is focused on ending animal suffering. Typically we work to protect animals such as rats, rabbits and chickens from cruelty in laboratories and on farms. However, today we are speaking on behalf of human animals, namely the American public school student. Every year millions of children are routinely tortured in the name of educational measurement by the standardized testing industry. They suffer through unnecessary field, diagnostic and predictive testing. We were sickened to learn that at any given minute during the school day, more than 1,100 American children are being tested in some capacity. There are rats in pharmaceutical labs that undergo less testing.

Even chickens  destined for  your
dinner plate get some sunlight

Caged in their classrooms for hours prepping for exams, schoolchildren see less sun than a Purdue chicken. Moreover, these unnecessary examinations teach us nothing about a child's intelligence or their level of understanding because students of different abilities absorb, process and make meaning of information differently. This made us wonder: why are there limits on the number of performances a Ringling Brother's elephant can be in, but no limits on testing children?

PETA urges parents and guardians to choose cruelty-free schools for their children, that is those schools in which standardized testing is not used as the predominant measure of student learning. How can you tell which schools are cruelty-free? They are the ones to which wealthy people send their children. Of course, another option would be to consider opting-out of tests.

To keep pressure on those responsible for these cruel and never-ending examinations sign the petitions below and join the thousands of caring Americans who refuse to participate in the excessive testing of the most innocent of animals - school children.

National petition, New York's petition, American Federation of Teachers petition,
South Carolina's petition, Chicago's petition, President petition

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Go to: Change the Stakes Teacher Exposes Board's Ridiculous Testing Policy and Teachers Refuse To Give Standardized Test At Seattle High Schools

Radical Promoter

A sticky mishap cost Rhee the world record

New York City - To promote the release of her new book, "Radical," Michelle Rhee attempted to set a world record by duct taping the mouths of twenty children in less than a minute. The old record (yes, there is one) of 18 people in one minute, was held by a serial killer from Indiana. Sadly Ms. Rhee's efforts fell short. She had a strong start, applying the adhesive material flawlessly to the first eight children but at the ninth, the tape stuck to her fingers and it threw off her timing. She fell far short of the record, managing to seal the mouths of only 14 kids in 60 seconds. Commenting on her performance, Ms. Rhee admitted, "I should have practiced more. You can't just rest on your laurels."

Giving New Meaning To Class Action Lawsuit

Newark, NJ - On Thursday morning, there was a shouting match outside of Elma Street Elementary School as a teacher and several parents exchanged angry words.

"I deserve that $5,000 bonus," the teacher yelled.

"Well if you're such a good teacher then why didn't my boy pass that exam?" countered a parent.

What was the hullabaloo about? Several parents had discovered that they and their children were being sued by fourth grade teacher Sandra Wettfeld. In a legal maneuver widely acknowledged to be the first of its kind, the New Jersey educator filed suit against five of her former students and their families for loss of income. The basis for Wettfeld's lawsuit was explained that afternoon at the law offices of Slaughter & Hem.

Lawrence Slaughter, who specializes in educational law, described Ms. Wettfeld's case, "Basically, we are suing because under the Newark Teachers Union contract, Ms. Wettfeld can earn an extra $5,000 if she is rated as "Highly Effective" which is largely based on her students' test scores. Several of her students did not perform as they should have which resulted in her losing that bonus money. So she's looking to be compensated by those students and their families who failed to live up to expectations."

Wettfeld explained, "No one teaches to the test better than I do. So I knew I would get some bonus money when the scores came back." She paused to wipe a tear from her eye, "I stayed late, wrote great lessons and offered extra help but I've got students who don't come to school regularly. Students who don't sit still because they're hungry or distracted. Students who don't do their homework or go to bed on time. And those things are not my fault; they're the kids' fault and the parents' fault. Why should I suffer?"

Though not yet named as defendants, Slaughter's law partner May Hem is researching the viability of adding the school district and teachers union to the lawsuit. "Let's face it, we're going after the families because their kids failed the tests but if you want to get justice, you have to go after the clowns who thought this type of compensation was just.

Although the school district and mayor's office both refused to comment on the lawsuit, Newark Teachers Union President Joseph Del Grosso called it, "a step in the wrong direction." Addressing the media on Friday, Mr. Del Grosso said, "Parents, teachers and students should not have an adversarial relationship but once money is introduced, well that has a way of changing things." Asked if he should have thought of that before agreeing to the contract that ties teacher income to student test performance, Del Grosso commented, "I think some things are unforeseeable."

Perhaps less unforeseeable, the slew of virtually identical lawsuits that have been filed in other states since Wettfeld's press conference. Though the legal ground for such cases is still swampy, in just a few days eight similar suits have been filed in Washington D.C. and Oregon where merit pay systems are also in place. Legal pundits are watching to see the outcome of these cases with great interest. Slaughter put it this way, "We understand this case is charting new territory which of course carries some risks. However, this territory has the potential to be quite lucrative."

Back at Elma Street Elementary, parent and named defendant Sam Oliver seemed less annoyed than embarrassed and frightened as he looked over legal documents, "Our family had a tough year. I lost my job and well maybe we weren't as academically-focused at home as we could have been but... we just don't have this kind of money. I don't even know if I can afford a lawyer."

Michelle Rhee's organization StudentsFirst released this bold statement in reference to the suit, "To paraphrase Arne Duncan's iconic quote about the education opportunities Hurricane Katrina created, we believe that tying teacher income to student scores was the best thing to happen in Newark schools because strife creates opportunity."

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Go to: The Newark Teachers Contract: My Final Word and Test Scores and the Newark Teachers Contract and DC Program Ties Teacher Salaries To Student Test Scores and  Oregon Schools Begin to Tie Teacher Pay to Student Test Scores