A Sitcom Star Is Born?

Will Duncan become a television star?

Los Angeles - The celebrity news website TMZ is reporting that former Secretary of Education Arne Duncan was spotted at cable and satellite television network TLC corporate headquarters.

After handing in his resignation to President Obama earlier today, Arne Duncan then flew to L.A. and met with several Hollywood bigwigs.

Reportedly Mr. Duncan is in negotiations with producers for his own prime time program.

Several sources have confirmed that the show will likely be a sitcom that pokes fun of Arne's penchant for misspeaking. Possible titles being bandied about include:

• That's So Arne
• Sons of Inanity
• The Clumsy and the Clueless
• IArne
• Curb Your Enigmatic Spasms
• That Darn Arne
• Oops I Did It Again, and
• Arne the Quagmired Mansplainer

"I'm not saying it's a sure thing," cautioned TLC producer Tampa Talla. "But given Arne Duncan's ability to both infuriate and bemuse... well let's just say he's got an unusual talent."

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Go to: A Top Ten of Duncan's Inanity

White Suburban Moms Declared A Terrorist Group

Anti-Common Core terrorism will not be tolerated

Washington D.C. - Citing national security concerns, "white suburban moms" have been classified as a terrorist group.

The announcement was made by Secretary of State John Kerry at a press conference held late Sunday evening. In an unusual move, Kerry stood alongside Secretary of Education Arne Duncan who was a key player in the decision. "It has been well-established that the poor state of public education is a grave national security risk. Given that the Common Core Standards (CCS) are the only acceptable solution to this security crisis and given that a good deal of the opposition to the CCS comes from these mothers, it has become obvious that the White Suburban Moms (WSM) are a threat to our national security."

Several reporters expressed concern that the administration's position was extreme. Duncan responded, "Unusual? Yes. Extreme? No. Have you seen these women when they attack? They are a voracious group. New York State Education Commissioner John King has tried to engage them on several occasions and each time he barely escaped with his life."

Although President Obama has not yet asked Congress for a declaration of war on the WSM, Secretary Kerry wouldn't rule it out. "We are looking to end this peaceably but at the same time, we are keeping all our options open.  In many ways, it reminds me of of Syria."

Asked if the moms who voiced complaints about the Common Core would be considered enemy combatants, Kerry looked at Duncan who responded, "Perhaps."

One such potential enemy combatant is Mary Bellmar of Long Island, New York. Mother of three and a part-time real estate agent, Mary began to grow concerned about the new standards when her sixth grade daughter declared that she hated school. "I spoke to her teacher about it and the woman told me the new standards coupled with testing pressures have led many students to make the same declaration. So I decided to get involved."

She began attending local school board and PTA meetings. "I spoke out against the Common Core Standards because they are untested. Is the government going to come after me for voicing my opinion?"

As if in response to Mary's concerns, Kerry closed his press conference with these words, "We are willing to negotiate with the WSM but we are not against using force if necessary. The Common Core will not be stopped. And these moms should know that Guantanamo Bay is capable of handling thousands of detainees if it comes to that. We're hoping, of course, that it won't come to that but well you never know."

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Go to: Arne Duncan: 'White Suburban Moms' Upset That Common Core Shows Their Kids Aren't 'Brilliant' and U.S. Education Reform and National Security 

The King's Dictionary

The King's Dictionary has altered the meaning of
several terms. 

New York - The reigning Commissioner of Education for the State of New York, John King, has released the following dictionary of terms that he would like distributed at any other town hall meetings he deigns to attend.

accountability: fireability, what the King is above

child: learning unit available for sale to corporations (notable exceptions include: King's child(ren))

critical voices: that to which the King is deaf

democracy: a form of government in which people choose their leaders and their leaders choose not to listen to them because it is time-consuming and inconvenient

dissent:  that to which the King is impervious

education: marketplace

educators: pawns

experience: overblown requirement for teaching

evidence:  that which does not exist to support the use of Common Core Standards

knowledge: facts, information and skills not necessarily required before implementing state-wide learning standards

money: short cut around democratic process

parent:  easily manipulated adult unit in charge of child (see above)

Ravitch: she who must not be named

respect: what silent acquiescence shows

rigor: developmentally inappropriate

schooled: what the King got on October 10, 2013 in Poughkeepsie, NY

special interests:  those who disagree with the King's policies

Town Hall meeting: gathering at which the King speaks and you listen

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Go to: Parents Voice Concern About Common Core: NY Dept of Ed Cancels Further Hearings and video Commissioner King Gets Spanked.  

To call for John King's resignation, go to:  Terminate the Employment of John King

The Haunted School

The Michelle Rhee room proves scary
for both children and adults

New York City - Outside of P.S. 129 in the Bronx is a sign written in chalk on an old blackboard that invites children and adults to "Brave the haunted halls of education reform....if you dare." But if you plan on accepting the chilling invitation to enter, be prepared to wait a while because this modern take on a haunted house is so popular that getting inside can take as long as two hours.

The brainchild of PTA president Molly Shannon has been raking in thousands and thousands of dollars. "We do something like this every year to raise money for the school. But this year the response has just been incredible. We've made more money on our first weekend than we did all last year." The idea came to Shannon when she overheard a conversation between some teachers. "They were talking about how frightening all the changes in education were. Basically it just mushroomed from there."

Governor Cuomo is pro-death penalty for schools

So what exactly is so scary about the Haunted School? To find out, my husband, our two children and I decided to enter at our "own risk."

Upon entering the school, we were greeted by a robot-like coed sporting a Teach for America t-shirt and a forced smile. She promised to guide us through the house but one minute later she mysteriously disappeared and we entered the first leg of our tour without her. Jarring though that was, it was nothing compared to what awaited us. Without warning, "Michelle Rhee" leapt at our oldest child trying to tape his mouth shut. As my son cowered behind me, she threatened to remove my tenure while menacing me with a copy of the Common Core. As we escaped into the hallway, a new TFA guide greeted us. We asked him what happened to our old guide to which he cryptically replied, "She moved on."

In the next room, "Executioner Andrew Cuomo" threatened to execute our school if it failed to make Adequate Yearly Progress. "AYP," Cuomo screamed as he brandished his axe. That made my little girl cry so we stepped into the hall for a breather. Yet another new TFA guide got her some water. She too had no idea what had happened to our previous guides. "Change is good," she said to no one in particular.

Common Core bubble tests prove to
be the most frightening thing of all

Two kids were crying outside the room we next approached. One of them sniffled, "Please don't make me go back in there." What lurked inside? The scariest thing of all, a standardized test hanging from a corporate shill was enough to make both my children ask to go home. So unfortunately, I cannot tell you about the other terrible things that lay in wait for you at the Haunted School.

On a funny note, as we were looking for the exit (our guide had abandoned us again) we wandered into what we thought was a roomful of zombie children but it turned out they were actual kids just preparing for the specialized high school exam.

The haunted school is open daily from 4pm - 10pm. Admission is $5.00 for children under 12 and $10.00 for adults. There is also a hay ride, pumpkin patch and an Arne Duncan clown who hilariously attempts to juggle ethics and money.

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Go to: Michelle Rhee talks about taping students' mouths shut and Gov. Cuomo: Schools that fail deserve the death penalty

The Big Box Charter School

Students wear name tags and
Walmart blue vests

Arkansas - The Walton family of Walmart fame has decided to open their own chain of for-profit charter schools. The first "Big Box Charter School" (BBCS) will be located in Bentonville, Arkansas which also serves as Walmart's corporate headquarters.

BBCS CEO P. Louis Bergoff announced, "Our flagship school will open its doors in August of 2014. As is the Walmart way, we will deliver a quality product while cutting costs. Thereby reaping huge profits for our investors."

Bergoff explained that the school will feature many of the same practices that have made the Walmart Corporation so profitable. "A new teacher can expect to earn $7.50 an hour, while those with experience might earn up to $12.50."

Bergoff admitted that it had been a struggle to attract qualified teachers at those wages. "American workers expect to be compensated fairly and they want things like health insurance so we decided to recruit abroad." All of the staff has been flown in from other countries including China, Haiti and Indonesia and will be housed in trailers behind the school. And since they live on campus, staff will be expected to supervise after-school activities and sports programs for no additional pay.

Bergoff bragged about other cost saving opportunities the school had already uncovered. "For instance, we are saving lots of money on cafeteria aides. Because our teachers qualify for the same free lunch program as their students, we expect them to supervise their students while they eat their government subsidized lunch in the cafeteria."

Asked if the teachers union had objected to the low pay and uncompensated additional duties, Bergoff responded, "Our company, I mean school, is union free. We have an open door policy with our employees and don't feel the need for any go-betweens. Employees can go straight to their supervisors if they have a problem and of course they are always free to seek employment elsewhere if they are unhappy."

What can students expect at the BBCS? According to the literature prepared for interested parents and made available to reporters during the press conference, students will be referred to as "associates" and issued blue vests with their names on name tags. "We think it is good practice for them," smiled Bergoff. Another hallmark of the school will be its "level of efficiency." Page two of a pamphlet describing the school day states, "We expect staff and students to regularly seek and find efficiencies. Students can expect to be timed during daily tasks by their stop watch carrying teachers and teachers can expect the same from their supervisors." Another glaring difference between the BBCS and Arkansas public schools seemed to lie in the school's curriculum which offers some unusual classes for older students such as a history class called, "The Regressive Era: How Unions Ruined America," a science class called, "Evolution Schmevolution" and a math class entitled, "How To Live On A Minimum Wage."

Representing her family, a beaming Alice Walton described the motivation for this undertaking, "For years, the Walton Family Foundation has donated money to support charter schools. Now we feel it's time they support us."

As is the Walmart way, the company/school plans to expand. "Initially we will open only one school but the following year we expect to open ten Big Box Charter Schools and we're shooting for 100 more the year after that," explained Bergoff. One can only hope.

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Go to: Store Wars and The Walmart 1% and Building Tomorrow's Walmart Workers Today and The Silent Treatment: A Day In The Life Of A Student In 'No Excuses' Land

Finnished (stet)

Finnish president halts American visits to his country's schools

Helsinki - President Sauli Niinisto of Finland has called for a moratorium on tours of their schools by American visitors.

In a speech given Tuesday at the Presidential Palace, Niinisto cited both uselessness and human fatigue as reasons for discontinuing educational visits. "We are a kind and generous people and we are certainly flattered by your interest in our educational system. However, we have answered all your questions and shared all of our wisdom. It is up to the United States to actually do something with the knowledge it has gained. I believe Americans might say it is time to, 'Put up or shut up.' After all how many times can we tell you that we trust and respect teachers and don't administer standardized tests until students are almost ready for college?"

Finnish schools need a little "me time"

Moreover President Niinisto suggested the constant scrutiny was having a deleterious effect on teaching and learning. "We are exhausted from all your visits to our schools. Last year, just one of our schools hosted more than 200 reporters and 850 U.S. school superintendents. Students are having a difficult time focusing because of all the camera clicking. Teachers have no time to write lessons because they are being interviewed by reporters. Principals are so busy acting as tour guides that they have no time to run meetings or plan for the next school year. If we are to maintain our intellectual superiority, we must return to educating our populace."

President Niinisto finished his speech with these words, "We expected education reformers would do something in response to all they had learned from us but for some reason Americans just don't seem to be learning. Perhaps they have something other than improving public education as their goal."

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Go to: Why Finland's Schools Are So Successful and The Global Search for Education: A Look at a Finnish School and What's So Great About Schools in Finland? and Why Are Finland's Schools Successful? and Why Finland's Unorthodox Education System Is The Best In The World and What Americans Keep Ignoring About Finland's School Success and How Do Finnish Kids Excel Without Rote Learning and Standardized Testing and The Secret to Finland's Success With Schools, Moms, Kids and Everything

Replaceable You

A chart from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics illustrates
that eventually every American will be a teacher

Washington D.C. - Have you ever dreamed of being a teacher? Well whether you have or you haven't, odds are that one day you will be employed as a classroom teacher. On Tuesday, the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics released a report which predicted that by the year 2025 100% of Americans over the age of 24 will have worked as a teacher at some point in their life. Statistician Anzahl Lugner elaborated, "Given current trends, we feel it is inevitable that every American will eventually be able to say that he or she is or was a teacher."

How is this even possible? Lugner explained, "You've got baby boomers retiring coupled with the inevitable effects of linking teacher evaluations to student test scores. Some cities like Chicago are laying off teachers and finding cheaper and less qualified replacements while others are seeing an improving economy which has increased options for educators who feel disrespected, disgruntled and overworked. Finally, you have charter schools whose philosophy is to use up teachers and them spit 'em out." In fact, Lugner anticipates that in the very near future a 'veteran teacher' will be someone who has taught for 18 months.

According to the report, another possible ramification of high teacher turnover, will be the lowering of requirements for new teachers. Precedent for such a move already exists. For example, programs such as Teach for America wave certification requirements for incoming "teachers." It's possible that to fill empty positions, states will drop the requirement that teachers have college degrees. They might even be forced to drop the high school diploma expectation which would lead to the interesting and ironic situation of high school drop-outs teaching high school students."

When reached for comment Karen Lewis, president of the Chicago Teachers Union, called Lugner's predictions, "Ridiculous but not surprising. The surprising thing is that anyone, anywhere wants to enter the revolving door that the teaching profession has become."

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Go to: At Charter Schools, Short Careers by Choice and Teacher Attrition Up After Recession-driven Lull and Middle School Teacher Turnover High