What you are about to read is NOT real news. It is satire. Where possible we have provided links to the real stories/issues that inspire us at the bottom of each article.

Follow us on Twitter @Students_Last

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Pearson Buys New York State Education Department

Commissioner King and Chancellor Tisch wait patiently
for their turn to speak as their new Pearson overlord
announces the takeover
Albany, New York - Best described as "not your usual corporate takeover," Pearson PLC announced that it has acquired the New York State Education Department (NYSED).

The big announcement was made at a press conference attended in person by Board of Regents Chancellor Merryl Tisch and Education Department Commissioner John King and via satellite by Pearson CEO Marjorie Scardino who is based in London.

A proud Scardino confessed, "Pearson has been calling the shots in New York State for quite a while now. So this just makes it official." According to sources in both organizations, Pearson had been slowly and surreptitiously acquiring the NYSED for more than four years.

Both King and Tisch nodded silently but enthusiastically as Scardino laid out Pearson's plan for "fully integrating all aspects of New York State public education into the seamless mission of helping people make more of their lives through learning what is important to corporations."

How did this come to pass?
With the promise of anonymity, a corporate insider disclosed the steps Pearson took to ensure the takeover would be successful. "Getting the politicians on board was easy; it just took some juicy political contributions. But getting the teachers and parents to go along... well that took a good deal of manipulation." He cited the adoption of the common core by almost every state as a game changer. "It made the acquisition fiscally wise."

According to our source, Pearson then set out to become an indispensable resource provider: textbooks to students, professional development to teachers and standardized testing to administrators. "Pearson expects to be greeted as liberators in New York State. After all how can you say 'no' to the corporation that guides your entire educational growth from cradle to grave." Apparently you can't, unless the federal government intervenes.

One of the first steps in formalizing Pearson's
takeover: new stationary
The proposed merger still needs approval from the Federal Trade Commission (FTC).  While refusing to comment on the merits of the merger, "uncommon" is how chair of the FTC, Edith Ramirez, described it. "Generally corporations takeover governmental agencies in a more low-key manner like lobbying the legislature or placing former employees inside of them," noted Ramirez. Despite the lack of corporate finesse none of the merger experts we contacted saw any obvious reasons for the FTC to block the takeover. And very few other individuals or groups seem willing to come out against it.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo was unavailable for comment. The American Federation of Teachers (AFT), which initially voiced objections to the Pearson-NYSED deal, has backed off since accepting a sizable grant from the Gates Foundation to research successful government/private industry partnerships. Some teachers have even expressed excitement about the takeover. Justin of Pennsylvania tweeted, "Maybe now, as a shareholder, I could have a say in my own profession." Meanwhile education bloggers have been angrily spouting off about the merger using terms like "conflict of interest" and "privatization of public education" but honestly who listens to them?

When asked if Pearson would be acquiring other state education departments, Scardino gave a tight-lipped smile, though John King mumbled something about there being "no place to hide."

Reality Alert: 


12 comments:

  1. The previous letter does not make sense: it is IMPOSSIBLE for any private person to exercise governmental powers. Thus, Pearson CANNOT acquire NYSED. It is against public policy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm pretty sure this is meant to be satire.

      Delete
    2. You didn't really think this was a serious piece of journalism, did you?

      Delete
  2. Academic writing is clear, concise, focussed, structured and backed up by evidence. Its purpose is to aid the reader’s understanding.
    It has a formal tone and style, but it is not complex and does not require the use of long sentences and complicated vocabulary.
    Each subject discipline will have certain writing conventions, vocabulary and types of discourse that you will become familiar with over the course of your degree. However, there are some general characteristics of academic writing that are relevant across all disciplines.
    Read more about academic writing at Letter of Recommendation Example

    ReplyDelete
  3. Basically, the technology essay replicates the structure and the main principles of a standard essay with a few peculiarities of its own.
    We offer you to study the procedure of writing the technology essays on a concrete example. Let's suggest your topic sounds something like "Influence of Modern Technology on Society". The goal of your custom essay is to describe and discuss complicated relations between technology and society. You are to clarify how some particular technology affects people. You are free to illustrate the influence on any sphere of modern life that your technology has affected most.

    First of all, people describe technology as ever-changing. Today new innovations become obsolete fast. People have become increasingly competitive and every year, new ideas and technologies are released to challenge the ones in the market. In a few months, a piece of technology can be released to the market and almost immediately rival companies will as well release theirs. Technological ideas keep getting unleashed as the world becomes more involved in exploring and utilizing the resources nature provides. Nothing seems to survive this fast paced world and unless one maintains the pace and moves with the wave, they get left behind..Read more about technology at http://thesisacknowledgement.net/

    ReplyDelete
  4. If you feel that you need help when it comes to writing sociology papers then we could help you. Here at sociology papers we have some of the best professional writers that are ready and waiting to make your academic writing very much easier. In fact, we can take all the stress and hard work out of writing, so that you are free to get on with whatever else you choose to do

    You may decide to try and buy a sociology research paper online somewhere but you need to be aware of some things. Those sites will offer sociology papers for sale but they have been sold to hundreds of other people. You have no idea where those papers came from and who wrote them. You do not know the academic level of the writer and chances are you will have to spend time tweeking the paper to your professor’s specifications. For that kind of hassle you might as well just write the paper yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Our accounting homework help is the best homework providing company. We believe that our homework plays an important role in the final grades of students. Due to several reasons, students are unable to write accounting homework. Accounting homework requires accounting homework remarkable knowledge as well as in-depth understanding of the accounting concepts. Students should get our accounting homework help at our company’s website.

    Biology, the study of life, can be fascinating and wondrous. However, certain biology topics can sometimes seem incomprehensible. The best way to get a clear understanding of difficult biology concepts is to study them at home, as well as at school. Students should use quality biology homework help resources when studying. Below are some good resources and information to help you answer some of your obilogy homework questions.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You started looking for a real college literature lesson homework help online because of some extraordinary sophisticated assignment that is due soon and you have no clue about a way to approach to its completion.
    Let’s first be clear on one thing: you buy at College Homework Help and we give great homework help. College demands it. And you don’t have to be involved if you are uninclined to do so. You can give us the assignment, explain what you will, and leave us to complete the work. However, our methodology is set up so that you can reap enormous benefits from the process itself. From the day you complete the buying process, you will get to choose your professional writer, and e-mail communication begins immediately.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Packers And Movers Bangalore Local Household Shifting Service, Get Free Best Price Quotes Local Packers and Movers in Bangalore List, Compare Charges, Save Money And Time at
    Local Packers And Movers Bangalore

    ReplyDelete
  8. Packers and Movers Bangalore - Reliable and Verified Household Shifting Service Providers Give Reasonable ###Packers and Movers Charges. Cheap and Best Office Relocation Compare Quotation for Assurance for Local and Domestic House Shifting and Get estimates today to save upto 20%, ***Read Customer Reviews - @ Local Packers And Movers Bangalore

    ReplyDelete
  9. Packers and Movers Ahmedabad - We Provide ***Best Service Providers, Safe, Reliable, Affordable, Trusted ###Movers and Packers in Ahmedabad List, Household Shifting, Office Relocation: Choose Top Verified Packers and Movers Ahmedabad Compare ✔✔✔Shifting Service Chrages, Price Quotation, Rate List Charts and Save Money and Time @ Packers and Movers Ahmedabad

    ReplyDelete