What you are about to read is NOT real news. It is satire. Where possible we have provided links to the real stories/issues that inspire us at the bottom of each article.

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Saturday, September 29, 2012

Stripper Fired For Being A Teacher

Teachers rejected: "We have our standards"
Grand Rapids, Michigan - Stripper Bunny Halter has filed a federal employment discrimination lawsuit against her former employer strip club White Glove, claiming she was fired one year ago due to her previous employment as a teacher.

"I know I made some bad choices," Ms. Halter apologized at a press conference organized by her attorney Gloria Allred. "But I've left the education field now and I don't think I should be punished for trying to support my family. I've really turned my life around."

Ms. Halter took a job as a teacher briefly when a medical issue left her unable to pole dance. "The bills kept piling up and I didn't know what else to do. I was desperate. I'm not proud of what I did but at the time taking a job as a lazy greedy fifth grade teacher seemed like my only choice," Bunny sniffed into the microphone before burying her head in her lawyer's shoulder.

White Glove owner, Sid Vasdeferens held his own press conference in front of his popular establishment. "For God's sake, I'm trying to run a business and even we have our standards," implored Vasdeferens. "Once our clients found out we employed teachers, they were turned off. We don't need no teachers giving us a bad name."

Attorney Allred said her client was suing for $110,000 in lost wages, which is what Bunny anticipated earning as an exotic dance last year. Interestingly that sum is almost twice as much as the average teacher's salary in Michigan.

Reached for comment by phone, President David Hecker of the Michigan chapter of the American Federation of Teachers said, "This is what happens when a profession is attacked day after day. Respect for the teaching profession has been suffering a death of a thousand cuts and it has got to stop." Meanwhile the president of the American Federation of Strippers union, Randy Randi said she was, "Looking into the merits of Ms. Halter's lawsuit."

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Pallets for Pedagogues

Georgia - "It's not good for my back," winced forty-two-year-old Sara Freeman of Mason, Georgia as she pulled herself up from her cot. "But at least I can get some sleep."  For the second time this week, Sara slept at her school.

Heavy workloads have made sleeping at
school a necessity for some teachers
Sara teaches third graders at a Power Is Power (PIP) charter school, one of a growing number of schools offering cots for teachers who want to sleep in the building so they don't waste time going home.  "I would rather be home in my own bed but that's not always possible. By the time I'm done tutoring students, grading homework and tests, updating my bulletin boards, reviewing student data, writing my lesson plans and individualized education plans, it can be very late.  So I just pull the cot out of the closet and try to catch a few winks."

Sara is not alone.  Teachers in Arizona began sleeping at their schools last year after their districts began providing on-site sleeping accommodations. According to the National Center on Time and Learning, a nonprofit research group in Boston, about 100 schools - more than 90 of them charter schools - across the country provide sleeping accommodations for their teachers. Martin Shell, Tucson school board president is convinced it will ultimately benefit students. "It really is a time saver for our employees.  Now as soon as they wake up, they can work.  The more time teachers are at work, the more work they do and we are convinced that will result in higher test scores."

Although it may sound extreme, some teachers seem to make the most of it.  Darren Smithfield, who teaches seventh grade math in Tucson, showed us around his classroom/bedroom. His desk discreetly hid the cot and contained his toothbrush and electric razor.  "My wife came by and visited on Wednesday night. It was nice, we ate together in the cafeteria, the kids read books in the library while she and I talked about what we would do this weekend if they let me leave, I mean if I go home." He added quickly, "And you know the cot is not so bad, you get used to it after a while."

The cots were paid for by a generous grant from the Walton Foundation while the blankets and pillows were given by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.

Reality Alert: 
Interested in how we came to write this? Read Survey: Teachers Work 53 Hours Per Week On Average

Sunday, September 16, 2012

The Tiniest Test Takers

London - Pearson PLC, the world's leading learning company, announced a new product that will allow the company to begin administering standardized tests to the nation's youngest students - fetuses.

Pearson-provided sonogram of fetus taking ELA exam. Sadly,
test scores prove the fetus is merely average.
New Pearson CEO John Fallon gushed, "We couldn't be more excited about this development."

Mr. Fallon explained to reporters how Pearson scientists used nano technology to create tiny number two pencils that can be placed into a woman's uterus. "If you look very closely, you can see that we have been able to provide the fetus with a bubble test and a number two pencil," boasted Fallon while pointing to a sonogram.

Scientists associated with the project agree that the new development is quite a feat. "Shrinking the pencil wasn't too difficult," explains Dr. Michelle Benito. "But creating test booklets and bubble sheets resistant to amniotic fluid, well that took a good deal of effort."

Benito describes the testing process, "Testing materials are injected into the mother's uterus utilizing the same needles employed during amniocentesis. Then we guide the materials into the fetus' hands using probes and prod it to take the exam. We give the unborn about an hour to complete the test and then we suction the materials out through the needle. The only problems we have encountered are fetuses who refuse to take the exam and fetuses who eat the pencils."

Asked by one reporter if standardized testing of the unborn was perhaps "ridiculous" Fallon responded irately, "Our philosophy is that you can never test too early or too often. Clients that agree will purchase and implement this product; clients that don't, won't."

When asked to comment on this new Pearson initiative, American Federation of Teachers President Randi Weingarten responded with a question of her own, "Can we finally agree that testing is out of control?"

Reality Alert: 
Interested in how we came to write this? Read the Jason Standford: Cashing in on Pre-K TestingConnecticut Adds New Tests for Kindergarten, 1 and 2 Grades as well as comments associated with piece. Also Florida Gets Tough on 5-Year-Olds.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Uber Teachers Are Uber Powerful: New Study Finds

Good news for the poor. There is no need to improve the lives of people who live in poverty because a great teacher will fix all their problems - eventually.... at some unspecified time in the future.

According to a research project funded by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation a great teacher, "[c]an make a dramatic difference in the lives of low-income students." Gates spokesperson Stacey Scott elaborated on the project's findings, "We are pleased to self-satisfactorily declare that uber-educators can make so great a difference in the lives of their students that all daily stresses such as low-paying unstable jobs, inadequate dental, vision and medical care, classism, predatory lending practices, underfunded retirement, inaccessible child care and neighborhood environmental exploitation are practically eliminated."

Mrs. Wilcox, whose thirteen-year-old daughter attends Jeb Bush Middle School in Tampa, Florida agrees, "Before my daughter got her new teacher she had lots of problems. But ever since Miss Cary got here, with her five weeks of enthusiastic training, my daughter doesn't worry about my being unemployed. She waves at the slumlord, even though he hasn't removed the lead paint from the hallway. She scoots by the crack addicts and ignores the rats, bed bugs and roaches. Now that she has Ms. Cary, all her troubles seem to have melted away."

Other people were less enthusiastic about the proclamation. "Not sure any teacher can solve my problems," responded fifteen-year-old Luis Martinez of Bedford Stuyvesant. "I've had a lot of great teachers but I don't see no difference. I sure would like to though because a lot of the time I'm hungry and my moms needs her diabetes medication, my dad hasn't worked in two years and my older brother wants me to join his gang. What's a teacher going to do about that?"

Reality Alert: 

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Drug Dealers Defeat Teachers: New Poll

Some surprising results turned up in a new Gallup poll. The poll asked parents to rank occupations according to how much they hoped their children aspired to the profession. Among the most desired were perennial favorites, doctors and lawyers. Nurses also did well. Although they fell 3% from last year's ranking, nurses still managed to come in third place.

Teachers, however, did not fair so well. Two years ago they came in third place; this year they scored below drug dealers. Asked to comment on the poll results, Karen Lewis, who heads the Chicago Teachers Union said, "We have been attacked for years. So I'm not surprised that parents do not see our profession as a viable career choice for their children."

Still teachers can take solace in knowing that they continue to score above dentists, who have come in last place for ten consecutive years.

The full poll results were as follows:


% of Parents Ranking Profession First
Drug Dealer

Reality Alert: 
Interested in how we came to write this? Read The Chicago strike is typical of American politicians' war on teacher

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Best Buds: Bloomberg Calms a Nervous Walcott

New York City - During a press conference marking the beginning of the school year for students, Mayor Bloomberg revealed, “As I was walking down the street with the Schools Chancellor Dennis Walcott towards the cameras, he asked me to hold his hand. He was so nervous because of the first day."  Although the mayor claimed he declined the request, this photo suggests otherwise.

Reality Alert: 
Interested in how we came to write this? Read Back to Class for NYC Public School Students

Sunday, September 2, 2012

From Slime to Self-flagellation: Teachers Prepare for New School Year

New York City - While some teachers prepare to return to their classrooms by reviewing curriculum and purchasing needed supplies, many veteran educators get ready in less traditional ways.  We sent reporters to each of the boroughs to uncover their secrets.

Staten Island
Beginning early in August, Ginny Evans, who has taught middle schoolers at I.S. 352 for twelve years, practices holding her urine. "When school lets out, I get used to peeing when I want to.  Then when August comes around, I can barely go four hours without urinating and that will just not do," Mrs. Evans shakes her head. "I've done a lot of Kegels and had a few accidents but now I can hold it for almost nine hours. My bladder is almost ready for back-to-back coverages plus lunch duty on an after-school tutoring day," Evans says with a proud smile.

Meanwhile over in Queens, you can find pre-K teacher Valerie Winkle in her backyard, donning
goggles and standing in a kiddie pool. "Fire away," she yells to her ten-year-old son Bobby, who is
Slime helps Winkle prepare for the coming school year
armed with a toy gun filled with Nickeloden slime. Dutifully and delightedly, Bobby pulls the trigger. Almost instantly his mom is covered in gooey green muck. Winkle calmly wipes the ooze from her face and forces these words, "That's ok sweetheart." She repeats this cycle approximately twelve times a day during the summer months. The eight-year veteran of Community School 142 explains her training matter-of-factly, "Since I teach the little ones, I know that several times during the year I will be the displeased recipient of bodily fluids which are not my own. This training allows me to graciously handle all the vomit, snot etcetera that awaits me."

Mr. Gold practices dodging spit balls
While some teachers focus on controlling fluids, high school teachers build up other skills. "I've practiced dodging projectiles for years but with the relaxed discipline code, it's especially important," advises seventeen-year veteran William Gold, who will teach ninth grade English at John Lindsay High School. Many times throughout the day and always without warning, Gold can count on his wife Mabel to hurl paper clips and/or spit balls at him. Mabel smiles as she describes her husband's progress, "At the end of July, I nailed him almost every time but now he anticipates my every move." During a demonstration of his skills, the fifty-two-year-old impressed with Matrix-like speed and agility. Assessing his own preparedness, Mr. Gold boasts, "I'm ready for the little pishers."

Silence is the hallmark of Mr. Wallace Edwards' school preparation. "I've taught for nineteen years at the Murdoch School for Communication and for fifteen of them, I've practiced biting my tongue." Edwards says he mostly utilizes the skill during staff meetings and professional development. "Sometimes you want to make suggestions or point out more effective ways to do something but over the years I've realized the administration doesn't really want to hear from teachers." Wallace, whose tongue shows visible scarring, says the skill is also useful at home. "I'm pretty sure our relationship is better for having perfected this skill."  His life-partner Dan Engels is not so sure. "Did he tell you he suffers from ulcers?"

Teacher Lori uses self-flagellation to
prepare for annual abuse
Perhaps the most grueling efforts are made by Dominic Lori, a veteran educator of twenty-five years. "I beat myself twelve to fifteen times a day with a cat o' nine tails." Asked why he practices self-flagellation the soft-spoken Lori explains, "It hardens me to abuse." But if you're thinking Lori instructs hostile juvenile delinquents, think again. "Oh heavens no. The students are fabulous but at every other level, people seem bent on vilifying teachers so it's just my way of getting ready for it." Who exactly is abusing teachers? The Edward Grout High School history teacher has no trouble describing the culprits. "There's Mayor Bloomberg who shifted the responsibility of learning from students to teachers and then shamed us with the publication of discredited value-add scores. We have political leaders like Jeb Bush who compare neighborhood public schools to choosing milk. And of course other reformers like Michelle Rhee conveniently ignore the effects of poverty on student achievement and never discuss the National Assessment of Educational Progress scores which are at their highest point in history for many student groups." Mr. Lori sees the status quo in education as revolving around teacher attacks. "My training simply acclimates me to the pain," Lori says glumly. When it was suggested that perhaps the United Federation of Teachers could help, Lori volunteered, "They already have. They bought me a hair shirt."

Reality Alert: